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This week has been hit and miss for me with my time online (my RSS reader has reached scary numbers), but even with some sketchy reading time, I found some great stuff to share. I hope you enjoy them.
I always find something that challenges my thinking when I spend time at the Zen Habits blog. This week was no different. I talk with clients regularly about the fact that many of the things we experience in life are out of our control. This post about the illusion of control really nailed that concept.
At PsychCentral's Mindfulness & Psychotherapy blog, Elisha Goldstein does a consistently good job of reviewing mindfulness resources and providing thoughtful reflections. This post on "making peace with the enemies within" does a nice job of reminding us how vulnerable we our to our own negative or critical thoughts. Dr. Goldstein also provides some helpful re-framing suggestions.
One of my other favorite blogs at PsychCentral is Christy Matta's Dialectical Behavior Therapy Understood. Christy dives into many topics from a DBT perspective and provides some helpful insights. I have explored the challenges that many of us face in owning our own self-care, so I really appreciated this post exploring how to embrace assertive thinking.
Wildmind's Buddhist meditation blog is another regular in the MWB round-up's because they have such a diverse staff of contributing writers. This means they provide a lovely depth of perspective about the impact of Buddhist thought and meditation on many aspects of daily living. This post from Saddhamala is a thoughtful list of ten ways to slow down and live a better life.
And finally, because I can't resist good therapy-related resources, I have a piece from Julie at Beautiful You. If you haven't checked out Beautiful You yet, make this post your reason to stop by (and maybe check out the great resources she has there. This article is an invitation to make the most of your therapy relationship--with the most important takeaway being to listen to your instincts.
As always, I hope that this collection brings you something you need as you move through the week. If you have a great resource I missed (yes, including things that *you* wrote), please share it with all of us in the comments.
Showing posts with label defining self-care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label defining self-care. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Mid-Week Balance: 1 June 2011
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There has just been so much good stuff this week that I'm having a hard time keeping the MWB line-up in any kind of check. I noticed that the strong theme in the writing that grabbed me was the need to engage with our bodies in loving and respectful ways. But not just with our bodies--we need to engage with others in loving and respectful ways too. That means noticing our own negative self-talk, but also calling out body shaming and appearance snarking whenever we encounter it. In addition, I found two great posts about listening to the emotional wisdom of our bodies. So, without further ado, here are some powerful inspirations to walk the walk!
Rosie Molinary just keeps creating wonderful stuff, so I just keep sharing it. In fact, this week, I couldn't narrow it down to just one post. In her caring response to being asked if she had lost weight, Rosie challenges our assumption that being thin is why we look attractive, or happy. From that exploration of how body talk affects us as individuals, she moves to this powerful post that calls out the cultural habit of picking apart women's bodies rather than celebrating their strengths.
I know that I have wrestled with the "I don't deserve that" demon when I was close to getting something I really wanted. Mara of Medicinal Marzipan takes on that demon this week in her post that asserts that it is actually OK to have everything you want. Make sure to read the comments on this one--there's a great conversation going on.
Anna Guest-Jolly of Curvy Yoga shared this touching article about the body-shaming she has experienced with physicians. This fact that many physicians, who are entrusted with our health, have such a limited view of what healthy bodies can be, is an ongoing problem. I really appreciate her concrete suggestions, such as treating doctor's appointments as a job interview--for the doctor!
If you haven't encountered Ragan, she is a phenomenal dancer, incredible overall athlete and passionate advocate of Health at Every Size (HAES). Her blog, Dances with Fat, is a favorite of mine.She is also an amazing researcher, and her posts tend to have a wealth of resources beyond her own powerful writing. This post challenging the drive to "eliminate obesity" does a wonderful job of showing how the language and definitions around body size are a problem.
Kendra's Voice in Recovery blog is another consistently solid resource for self-loving resources. This incredible post explores how listening to our anxiety can be the catalyst for healthy choices. I love the explicit permission to engage with our feelings and learn how they are trying to keep us safe and healthy.
And finally, I had to include this touching piece by Amy at Una Vita Bella. It's worth taking some time to browse Amy's archives as she provides a raw, honest, inside view into her experiences with depression and fibromyalgia. This post is a great introduction to her point of view, and her willingness to share her pain to help others.
What self-care message did you need the most this week? Is there a favorite resource you want to share?
There has just been so much good stuff this week that I'm having a hard time keeping the MWB line-up in any kind of check. I noticed that the strong theme in the writing that grabbed me was the need to engage with our bodies in loving and respectful ways. But not just with our bodies--we need to engage with others in loving and respectful ways too. That means noticing our own negative self-talk, but also calling out body shaming and appearance snarking whenever we encounter it. In addition, I found two great posts about listening to the emotional wisdom of our bodies. So, without further ado, here are some powerful inspirations to walk the walk!
Rosie Molinary just keeps creating wonderful stuff, so I just keep sharing it. In fact, this week, I couldn't narrow it down to just one post. In her caring response to being asked if she had lost weight, Rosie challenges our assumption that being thin is why we look attractive, or happy. From that exploration of how body talk affects us as individuals, she moves to this powerful post that calls out the cultural habit of picking apart women's bodies rather than celebrating their strengths.
I know that I have wrestled with the "I don't deserve that" demon when I was close to getting something I really wanted. Mara of Medicinal Marzipan takes on that demon this week in her post that asserts that it is actually OK to have everything you want. Make sure to read the comments on this one--there's a great conversation going on.
Anna Guest-Jolly of Curvy Yoga shared this touching article about the body-shaming she has experienced with physicians. This fact that many physicians, who are entrusted with our health, have such a limited view of what healthy bodies can be, is an ongoing problem. I really appreciate her concrete suggestions, such as treating doctor's appointments as a job interview--for the doctor!
If you haven't encountered Ragan, she is a phenomenal dancer, incredible overall athlete and passionate advocate of Health at Every Size (HAES). Her blog, Dances with Fat, is a favorite of mine.She is also an amazing researcher, and her posts tend to have a wealth of resources beyond her own powerful writing. This post challenging the drive to "eliminate obesity" does a wonderful job of showing how the language and definitions around body size are a problem.
Kendra's Voice in Recovery blog is another consistently solid resource for self-loving resources. This incredible post explores how listening to our anxiety can be the catalyst for healthy choices. I love the explicit permission to engage with our feelings and learn how they are trying to keep us safe and healthy.
And finally, I had to include this touching piece by Amy at Una Vita Bella. It's worth taking some time to browse Amy's archives as she provides a raw, honest, inside view into her experiences with depression and fibromyalgia. This post is a great introduction to her point of view, and her willingness to share her pain to help others.
What self-care message did you need the most this week? Is there a favorite resource you want to share?
Friday, April 29, 2011
Self Care 101: Regaining Traction
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I'm guessing if I say "one of those days," you'll know what I mean. One of those days where it feels like you're trying to coordinate troop movements to get out of the house. One of those days when that meeting you were sure was at 2 is actually at 1. One of those days where the car needs a $500 brake job. One of those days where if your head weren't physically attached, it too would be gone (along with your keys, that paper you needed to fax, and your phone).
I think that it's probably safe for me to assume that most of us have had "one of those days." I know that I have. In fact, sometimes "those days" can feel as though they have stretched out to include a week, a month, or more. No matter what you do, it seems like you are always two steps behind. No matter how hard you push, it feels like you're spinning your wheels (and maybe throwing mud everywhere too--one more job to add to the "to do" list).
Today's post is my reminder to you (and me too), that there are ways that you can regain some traction when you're in the middle of "those days." Here are some of the tools that I teach my clients, and use myself, to help make it to firmer footing.
1. Stop spinning your wheels. I don't know about you, but the more overwhelmed I feel, the more likely I am to rush around from task to task. Nothing gets all the way done. Nothing gets done well. Instead of feeling like I'm making progress, I just feel more overwhelmed. So, the first step is to just stop. I know that may feel paradoxical, but unless you can stop and get organized, you're likely to just make a bigger mess. Take a deep breath. Get outside. Move your body. Create a small space (physically and mentally), and use that as your launch point. (For more on creating space, see my post on Pausing.)
2. Let go of what is already gone. By the time you are having "one of those days," several things have already gone wrong. Most of those things are in the past, and you can't do anything about them. So, use your small space to acknowledge any feelings of frustration, hurt, anger, or anxiety. Then let them go. If you need to, it can be helpful to write down what you want to let go of, and then physically let go of the writing (tear it up, etc.). When you free your mind from focusing on what is already gone, there is space to assess your next move.
3. Identify what you can control. For me, one of the hardest parts of "those days," is the sense that my life has gotten totally out of control. Much of this feeling comes from our tendency to focus on those pieces of the picture that are out of our control. When you shift the focus to what is under your control, that gives you the opportunity to take some productive action. (A hat tip here to Susan Giurleo, who writes about "triaging" tasks). I think a list is helpful for this step as well. Write down as many things as you can that you can actually control (it doesn't matter how small these things are, just include them in the list). Then create a priority system, and begin completing the things that you can control.
4. Focus on something positive. The reason that there are so many books, articles, and online tools that encourage you to identify "what you are grateful for," is that a focus on the good things in your life does help to contribute to a sense of control. On "those days," focusing on what is good, no matter how small those things are, is a good adjunct to the exercise of identifying what you can control. A focus on gratitude also helps you break out of the feeling that "everything is falling apart," which often pops up when we feel overwhelmed.
5. Reach for support. When you're having "those days," it can be easy to isolate yourself. You may feel embarrassed by how out of control you feel, you may not want to "bother" friends or family. Isolation increases the sense that things are awful and will not get better, so one of your best tools to fight back is to share what you're experiencing. Make a phone call, connect online, set up a date to take a walk or get a coffee. If things feel too big to handle with friends and family, call a psychologist. The key is to remind yourself that you don't have to do this alone.
Repeat these steps as often as you need to start to push back against that feeling of being overwhelmed and alone.
Please share your own "traction tools" below, as well!
I'm guessing if I say "one of those days," you'll know what I mean. One of those days where it feels like you're trying to coordinate troop movements to get out of the house. One of those days when that meeting you were sure was at 2 is actually at 1. One of those days where the car needs a $500 brake job. One of those days where if your head weren't physically attached, it too would be gone (along with your keys, that paper you needed to fax, and your phone).
I think that it's probably safe for me to assume that most of us have had "one of those days." I know that I have. In fact, sometimes "those days" can feel as though they have stretched out to include a week, a month, or more. No matter what you do, it seems like you are always two steps behind. No matter how hard you push, it feels like you're spinning your wheels (and maybe throwing mud everywhere too--one more job to add to the "to do" list).
Today's post is my reminder to you (and me too), that there are ways that you can regain some traction when you're in the middle of "those days." Here are some of the tools that I teach my clients, and use myself, to help make it to firmer footing.
1. Stop spinning your wheels. I don't know about you, but the more overwhelmed I feel, the more likely I am to rush around from task to task. Nothing gets all the way done. Nothing gets done well. Instead of feeling like I'm making progress, I just feel more overwhelmed. So, the first step is to just stop. I know that may feel paradoxical, but unless you can stop and get organized, you're likely to just make a bigger mess. Take a deep breath. Get outside. Move your body. Create a small space (physically and mentally), and use that as your launch point. (For more on creating space, see my post on Pausing.)
2. Let go of what is already gone. By the time you are having "one of those days," several things have already gone wrong. Most of those things are in the past, and you can't do anything about them. So, use your small space to acknowledge any feelings of frustration, hurt, anger, or anxiety. Then let them go. If you need to, it can be helpful to write down what you want to let go of, and then physically let go of the writing (tear it up, etc.). When you free your mind from focusing on what is already gone, there is space to assess your next move.
3. Identify what you can control. For me, one of the hardest parts of "those days," is the sense that my life has gotten totally out of control. Much of this feeling comes from our tendency to focus on those pieces of the picture that are out of our control. When you shift the focus to what is under your control, that gives you the opportunity to take some productive action. (A hat tip here to Susan Giurleo, who writes about "triaging" tasks). I think a list is helpful for this step as well. Write down as many things as you can that you can actually control (it doesn't matter how small these things are, just include them in the list). Then create a priority system, and begin completing the things that you can control.
4. Focus on something positive. The reason that there are so many books, articles, and online tools that encourage you to identify "what you are grateful for," is that a focus on the good things in your life does help to contribute to a sense of control. On "those days," focusing on what is good, no matter how small those things are, is a good adjunct to the exercise of identifying what you can control. A focus on gratitude also helps you break out of the feeling that "everything is falling apart," which often pops up when we feel overwhelmed.
5. Reach for support. When you're having "those days," it can be easy to isolate yourself. You may feel embarrassed by how out of control you feel, you may not want to "bother" friends or family. Isolation increases the sense that things are awful and will not get better, so one of your best tools to fight back is to share what you're experiencing. Make a phone call, connect online, set up a date to take a walk or get a coffee. If things feel too big to handle with friends and family, call a psychologist. The key is to remind yourself that you don't have to do this alone.
Repeat these steps as often as you need to start to push back against that feeling of being overwhelmed and alone.
Please share your own "traction tools" below, as well!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Mid-Week Balance
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Inspired by fantastic examples of at Nourishing the Soul and Medical Marzipan, I'm going to add a new section to the blog. On Wednesdays, I'm going to be offering up my favorite posts of the past week. I hope you enjoy the cross-section of amazing thinking that's out there!
"I Just Want to Be Sad, Okay?"--It seems appropriate that one of Ashley's thought-provoking articles from Nourishing the Soul makes my first list. She provides a challenging invitation reconsider the cultural imperative to try to be "always happy."
"Give Your Body a Vacation"--Mara from Medical Marzipan asks the question: what would a vacation for your body look like? Read the article--I'd love to know what your body vacation looks like.
"Am I Desensitized by Body Image News?"--Kendra at Voice in Recovery is routinely a powerful advocate of self-care and health. In this week's post, she asks us to think about how we may contribute to the barrage of negative body image messages by our own self-talk.
"Don't Live in Default Mode"--At Living the Balanced Life, Bernice Wood invites us to assess whether we're stuck in unproductive patterns.
"Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Negative Body Image"--At The Body and the Brood, Dana provides a thoughtful remedy for the negativity that Kendra challenged in her post.
I hope that this roundup of thoughts from talented, inspiring women helps your Wednesday feel like the launch-pad for a strong finish to the week.
Inspired by fantastic examples of at Nourishing the Soul and Medical Marzipan, I'm going to add a new section to the blog. On Wednesdays, I'm going to be offering up my favorite posts of the past week. I hope you enjoy the cross-section of amazing thinking that's out there!
"I Just Want to Be Sad, Okay?"--It seems appropriate that one of Ashley's thought-provoking articles from Nourishing the Soul makes my first list. She provides a challenging invitation reconsider the cultural imperative to try to be "always happy."
"Give Your Body a Vacation"--Mara from Medical Marzipan asks the question: what would a vacation for your body look like? Read the article--I'd love to know what your body vacation looks like.
"Am I Desensitized by Body Image News?"--Kendra at Voice in Recovery is routinely a powerful advocate of self-care and health. In this week's post, she asks us to think about how we may contribute to the barrage of negative body image messages by our own self-talk.
"Don't Live in Default Mode"--At Living the Balanced Life, Bernice Wood invites us to assess whether we're stuck in unproductive patterns.
"Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Negative Body Image"--At The Body and the Brood, Dana provides a thoughtful remedy for the negativity that Kendra challenged in her post.
I hope that this roundup of thoughts from talented, inspiring women helps your Wednesday feel like the launch-pad for a strong finish to the week.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Self Care 101 and Thidwick the Bighearted Moose OR What Dr. Suess has to Say about Healthy Boundaries
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"Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose" was published in 1948, by the prolific writer Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss). And I will confess, I have always had a soft spot for Dr. Suess. I collected his books throughout high school and college. But I have been reading my Dr. Suess collection with a fresh lens recently. I'm convinced that these bouncy, rhyming books for kids have some pretty important lessons for adults. Thidwick's lesson is a critical one: we're all allowed to know and protect our own personal boundaries. For this post, I am defining boundaries as those internal limits within which we feel safe, valued, and respected. I know that the issue of healthy boundaries is a big one, so this is an introductory post on the topic. And a way to integrate Dr. Suess into therapeutic writing. Gotta love it!
Thidwick is not one of the better known Seuss classics, so let me summarize the story for you. Thidwick is a moose living happily with the other moose in his herd. Then one day, an ant decides that Thidwick's antlers look like a pretty great place to live. Thidwick isn't entirely comfortable with this, but he doesn't want to be a bad guy, so he doesn't speak up. No big deal, you say? Just an ant, you say? Thidwick can't even tell the ant is there, you say? Here's the problem. No, the ant doesn't significantly impede Thidwick's life. He's not a huge imposition. But he came uninvited, and his presence makes Thidwick uncomfortable.
And then, the ant invites a spider to share his cushy moose-antler digs (Dr. Suess conveniently skirts the issue that the spider may have been looking at the ant as dinner . . .). And the spider and the ant invite a Zinnazu bird, who brings along his woodpecker wife. At this point, Thidwick's herd has had it with the noise, and they tell him lose the riders or leave the herd. Thidwick, who let's remember has no obligation to any of these critters, still doesn't want to be a bad guy. So, he accepts isolation from his herd. His riders are beginning to have a significant effect on his life.
The menagerie on Thidwick's head keeps growing. Four squirrels, a bobcat and a squirrel come next. The community in Thidwick's antlers is vocal, and indifferent to the needs of their host. As winter comes and food grows scarce, the riders throw a collective fit when Thidwick mentions moving to the other side of the lake. They want to remain in their own comfort zone.
At the climax of the story, the antler rider community has grown to include three mice, a fox, a bear and three hundred sixty two bees. When some hunters appear, the tired, hungry Thidwick is in grave danger. And then, in a shining moment, he remembers that it is time to shed his antlers to make room for new growth. He tosses his loaded antlers to the hunters and bounds off to safety. The antlers and their occupants go to the hunter's trophy room.
I work with my clients on identifying and protecting boundaries on a regular basis. Many of my clients express the same sentiments that Thidwick did. A small request feels uncomfortable, but they don't want to seem petty or inconsiderate, so they comply. A larger request is more challenging, but the small request set a precedent, so again, they acquiesce. This can continue until they face serious emotional, financial, or even physical harm.
I think that there are two key lessons that Thidwick shares.
1. You are allowed to have your boundaries, even on small issues. If Thidwick had listened to his internal discomfort about the ant, he may have avoided a very difficult, lonely year.
2. You can always reclaim your boundaries, no matter how serious things have gotten. You are allowed to define and restore your boundaries at any time, even if that means renegotiating or ending existing relationships. Previous boundary violations do not doom you to those conditions forever.
What have been your biggest challenges setting boundaries? Is it the small boundaries that are tough to define? Is it the larger boundaries? How did you renegotiate after a boundary violation? What kind of support do you need around boundaries.
"Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose" was published in 1948, by the prolific writer Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss). And I will confess, I have always had a soft spot for Dr. Suess. I collected his books throughout high school and college. But I have been reading my Dr. Suess collection with a fresh lens recently. I'm convinced that these bouncy, rhyming books for kids have some pretty important lessons for adults. Thidwick's lesson is a critical one: we're all allowed to know and protect our own personal boundaries. For this post, I am defining boundaries as those internal limits within which we feel safe, valued, and respected. I know that the issue of healthy boundaries is a big one, so this is an introductory post on the topic. And a way to integrate Dr. Suess into therapeutic writing. Gotta love it!
Thidwick is not one of the better known Seuss classics, so let me summarize the story for you. Thidwick is a moose living happily with the other moose in his herd. Then one day, an ant decides that Thidwick's antlers look like a pretty great place to live. Thidwick isn't entirely comfortable with this, but he doesn't want to be a bad guy, so he doesn't speak up. No big deal, you say? Just an ant, you say? Thidwick can't even tell the ant is there, you say? Here's the problem. No, the ant doesn't significantly impede Thidwick's life. He's not a huge imposition. But he came uninvited, and his presence makes Thidwick uncomfortable.
And then, the ant invites a spider to share his cushy moose-antler digs (Dr. Suess conveniently skirts the issue that the spider may have been looking at the ant as dinner . . .). And the spider and the ant invite a Zinnazu bird, who brings along his woodpecker wife. At this point, Thidwick's herd has had it with the noise, and they tell him lose the riders or leave the herd. Thidwick, who let's remember has no obligation to any of these critters, still doesn't want to be a bad guy. So, he accepts isolation from his herd. His riders are beginning to have a significant effect on his life.
The menagerie on Thidwick's head keeps growing. Four squirrels, a bobcat and a squirrel come next. The community in Thidwick's antlers is vocal, and indifferent to the needs of their host. As winter comes and food grows scarce, the riders throw a collective fit when Thidwick mentions moving to the other side of the lake. They want to remain in their own comfort zone.
At the climax of the story, the antler rider community has grown to include three mice, a fox, a bear and three hundred sixty two bees. When some hunters appear, the tired, hungry Thidwick is in grave danger. And then, in a shining moment, he remembers that it is time to shed his antlers to make room for new growth. He tosses his loaded antlers to the hunters and bounds off to safety. The antlers and their occupants go to the hunter's trophy room.
I work with my clients on identifying and protecting boundaries on a regular basis. Many of my clients express the same sentiments that Thidwick did. A small request feels uncomfortable, but they don't want to seem petty or inconsiderate, so they comply. A larger request is more challenging, but the small request set a precedent, so again, they acquiesce. This can continue until they face serious emotional, financial, or even physical harm.
I think that there are two key lessons that Thidwick shares.
1. You are allowed to have your boundaries, even on small issues. If Thidwick had listened to his internal discomfort about the ant, he may have avoided a very difficult, lonely year.
2. You can always reclaim your boundaries, no matter how serious things have gotten. You are allowed to define and restore your boundaries at any time, even if that means renegotiating or ending existing relationships. Previous boundary violations do not doom you to those conditions forever.
What have been your biggest challenges setting boundaries? Is it the small boundaries that are tough to define? Is it the larger boundaries? How did you renegotiate after a boundary violation? What kind of support do you need around boundaries.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Self-Care 101: Challenging "Selfish"
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I can't count how many times I've had a conversation similar to this one:
Me: "So tell me a little bit about how you take care of yourself."
Client: "Well . . . umm . . . there's always so much that needs to be done for everyone else, it doesn't feel important to take that time out for me."
Did you see what happened there? I asked about self-care, but the response that I got was someone who was concerned about being selfish. This is not just a simple matter of semantics. Somewhere along the line, for many of us, we have confused "selfish" and "self-care," come to equate them as the same thing. And that is a significant problem.
Why does it matter? We, especially we women, have been deeply socialized not to be selfish. Selfish is a word that carries all kinds of negative connotations. Calling someone selfish is a quick way to shut them down, discredit them, make their request seem less valuable. Being selfish is an identity that most of us work hard to avoid.
So, when we're conflating "selfish" and "self-care", that means that not only are we struggling to be assertive and healthy about scheduling our self-care, but we may be actively resisting it. Yikes.
We need self-care as part of a healthy foundation for our lives and our relationships. Self-care begins with recognizing that we have needs for emotional, physical, and spiritual nurturing. Once we recognize and validate the existence of those needs, self-care includes taking steps to meet those needs. That can mean that you carve out time to exercise, to read, to dance, to talk to friends, to meditate (or all of those things).
When I was struggling with this issue, I was trying to be all things to everyone, not succeeding at any of it, and wondering how I could try so hard and feel like such a failure. I pushed back against suggestions to take time for myself. Finally, a wise person gave me this metaphor: "Your time, energy, attention, and love are like water in a jar. You cannot keep pouring them out without taking time to refill yourself. You'll end up dry."
For me, that was the light-bulb moment I needed. I was able to begin the journey of realizing that selfish and self-care are very, very different realities. I took my first steps in recognizing that self-care actually prevents me from being selfish. That when I am meeting my own needs, it doesn't feel so draining to meet the needs of others.
Have you had that light-bulb moment? Are you running dry? What is the most helpful thing you've heard in your efforts to support your own self-care.
I can't count how many times I've had a conversation similar to this one:
Me: "So tell me a little bit about how you take care of yourself."
Client: "Well . . . umm . . . there's always so much that needs to be done for everyone else, it doesn't feel important to take that time out for me."
Did you see what happened there? I asked about self-care, but the response that I got was someone who was concerned about being selfish. This is not just a simple matter of semantics. Somewhere along the line, for many of us, we have confused "selfish" and "self-care," come to equate them as the same thing. And that is a significant problem.
Why does it matter? We, especially we women, have been deeply socialized not to be selfish. Selfish is a word that carries all kinds of negative connotations. Calling someone selfish is a quick way to shut them down, discredit them, make their request seem less valuable. Being selfish is an identity that most of us work hard to avoid.
So, when we're conflating "selfish" and "self-care", that means that not only are we struggling to be assertive and healthy about scheduling our self-care, but we may be actively resisting it. Yikes.
We need self-care as part of a healthy foundation for our lives and our relationships. Self-care begins with recognizing that we have needs for emotional, physical, and spiritual nurturing. Once we recognize and validate the existence of those needs, self-care includes taking steps to meet those needs. That can mean that you carve out time to exercise, to read, to dance, to talk to friends, to meditate (or all of those things).
When I was struggling with this issue, I was trying to be all things to everyone, not succeeding at any of it, and wondering how I could try so hard and feel like such a failure. I pushed back against suggestions to take time for myself. Finally, a wise person gave me this metaphor: "Your time, energy, attention, and love are like water in a jar. You cannot keep pouring them out without taking time to refill yourself. You'll end up dry."
For me, that was the light-bulb moment I needed. I was able to begin the journey of realizing that selfish and self-care are very, very different realities. I took my first steps in recognizing that self-care actually prevents me from being selfish. That when I am meeting my own needs, it doesn't feel so draining to meet the needs of others.
Have you had that light-bulb moment? Are you running dry? What is the most helpful thing you've heard in your efforts to support your own self-care.
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