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This week's Mid-Week Balance roundup is pretty eclectic. I hope that means that no matter where you may be today, you find something that speaks to you.
From Glynis Sherwood's Recovery Matters blog, here is part of her "Myths of Grief Recovery" series. I've appreciated each of the posts in the series so far, but I particularly like how this "cautionary tale" highlights the challenge of providing permission for our feelings: "Don't Feel Bad"
Leigh Cousins writes Always Learning as a support for parents, but I when I read her post this week, I found myself thinking that all of us could use the reminder to take a step back from our frustrations and try to put them in perspective: "Some Perspective for Struggling Parents"
Jonathan Fields writes a blog that is an invitation to deeper thinking about entrepreneurship and professional communities. This post about "lucky people" struck a chord with me because it challenges our assumptions about ourselves and our power in our own lives: "What Lucky People Do Differently"
In her blog, Curvy Yoga, Anna Guest-Jolly became a favorite of mine by combining her knowledge of yoga with some powerful body-positive attitudes. This is a guest post from Shaunta Grimes, celebrating the power of yoga for young girls as an antidote to the negative body climate we're surrounded by: "Yoga as an Early Path to Body Acceptance"
At Body Aware Grieving, Margo Rose invites readers to consider the physical health component of their grief process. I really appreciated this practical overview on how to be proactive about creating a list of healthy self-care rewards: "Healthy Pleasures: Rewards to Reach For!"
That's the roundup for this week. Please feel free to share the helpful, intriguing, challenging gems that you find!
Showing posts with label self-care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-care. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Self-Care 101: Addressing Self-Talk
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One of the most wonderful things about my job is that I get to come into contact with amazing, compassionate, giving people--every day. My clients tend to be people who are very invested in making the world a better place. They care about the impact that they have on others, and are incredibly open to learning better ways to communicate and express that caring.
One of the issues that I regularly struggle with in my job is that these same amazing, compassionate, giving people treat themselves like dirt. They use language when talking about themselves that they would never consider using toward someone else. Here's a very small sample of what I hear on a regular basis:
* "I'm so stupid."
* "I'm disgusting."
* "I fail, no matter how hard I try."
* "I don't deserve people who care about me."
* "I'm an idiot."
* "I am not worthy time (or energy, or attention, or love).
On the one hand, I am floored that people who have so much compassion for others have such vitriol for themselves. On the other hand, I recognize that I have used language like this toward myself too. Somehow, we have gotten into the habit of viewing ourselves as "less than" and deserving of such self-punishing statements.
I believe that this tendency isn't an accident. I think that it is a combination of social factors, messages that we misunderstood, and challenges with shame and genuineness.
Social Factors
We live in a society that bombards us with messages about how we aren't measuring up: our bodies aren't measuring up, our sexual capability isn't measuring up, our parenting isn't measuring up . . . just take a look at the magazines in a checkout line. Criticism is packaged as tough love. Confident women are labeled "conceited" or "bitchy." And there are industries that benefit when we buy into these messages (e.g. diet, cosmetics, fashion, etc.). A huge chunk of our spending is focused on trying to get "good enough." I think that this barrage of messages about our failings takes a toll.
Misunderstood Messages
I think there is a challenging balance when children start to learn about self-language. Many parents and educators work to help children cultivate awareness of others and compassion for their experiences. This is incredibly important. However, in our effort to teach children to think about the experiences of others, we may inadvertently send the message that those experiences are more important than the child's own experience. This can lead to the feeling that your own feelings and needs are secondary to the feelings and needs of others. Over time, that message can lead to a sense that you don't deserve to have your feelings respected or your needs met.
Challenges with Shame and Genuine Self-Expression
This factor may be the most important contributor to the kinds of hurtful self-talk that I have experienced in my own head and that my clients express daily. The language and experience of shame is deeply embedded in our culture. My appreciation for the depth and breadth of our shame experiences was tremendously enhanced by Brene Brown's powerful work on Shame Resilience. She describes that work in her book "I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn't)", which I will review in a later post. One of the most powerful take-aways that I got from reading her work was the idea that shame regularly interferes with our authentic expression of self. If we aren't expressing our true selves, it is difficult for us to develop confidence in our own value.
Sound Familiar???
If you have been reading this post and nodding your head, or if the short list of self-slamming statements sounded painfully familiar, then it may be time for a change. Our self-talk is the foundation of strong self-care. If we are bombarding ourselves with negative messages about our value, it is tough to commit to carving out time for exercise, meditation, reading, or any of the other activities that fill us up and nurture our bodies and souls.
So, if this post feels like I've been snooping in your head, then it's time to take action. Here are a few initial steps:
1. Assess your self-talk. Use a thought journal, notes on your phone or an old-fashioned "tick-list" to begin to increase your awareness of how frequently you are engaging in negative self-talk.
2. Challenge the negative. If you start to notice a pattern of negative self-talk, choose one of the most frequent negative thoughts and look for exceptions. For example, if your most common self-slam is "I'm so stupid," be active in noticing how you solve problems, display competency at work, provide what your friends or family need. Gather evidence to argue back.
3. Notice your feelings. Negative self-talk tends to spike when we feel shame, fear, or anxiety. It can create a vicious cycle of increased emotion, more negativity, etc. If you are noticing this, try breaking the cycle by naming those feelings without judgment.
4. Practice compassion. As you notice negative self-talk or difficult emotions, try extending yourself some compassion. Imagine that you are caring for a friend or loved one. Don't add to the negativity by blaming yourself for these patterns. We've all struggled with negative self-talk.
5. Add some positive energy. Be an active agent in trying to identify your own successes. Create some momentum around positive self-talk. It make take practice to feel comfortable with this, but our negative self-talk is not a reflection of our full self. Positive self-talk is not disingenuous--it's simply allowing yourself to see the full picture of your own value.
If you try some of these strategies, and you're still feeling stuck, it might be time to reach out for additional support.
What has been your most challenging piece of negative self-talk? What has been most helpful to you in shifting your self-language to the side of compassion and respect?
If this article connected for you, you may want to check out some of the current research on self-compassion, as highlighted in this article from the Wildmind Buddhist Meditation blog.
One of the most wonderful things about my job is that I get to come into contact with amazing, compassionate, giving people--every day. My clients tend to be people who are very invested in making the world a better place. They care about the impact that they have on others, and are incredibly open to learning better ways to communicate and express that caring.
One of the issues that I regularly struggle with in my job is that these same amazing, compassionate, giving people treat themselves like dirt. They use language when talking about themselves that they would never consider using toward someone else. Here's a very small sample of what I hear on a regular basis:
* "I'm so stupid."
* "I'm disgusting."
* "I fail, no matter how hard I try."
* "I don't deserve people who care about me."
* "I'm an idiot."
* "I am not worthy time (or energy, or attention, or love).
On the one hand, I am floored that people who have so much compassion for others have such vitriol for themselves. On the other hand, I recognize that I have used language like this toward myself too. Somehow, we have gotten into the habit of viewing ourselves as "less than" and deserving of such self-punishing statements.
I believe that this tendency isn't an accident. I think that it is a combination of social factors, messages that we misunderstood, and challenges with shame and genuineness.
Social Factors
We live in a society that bombards us with messages about how we aren't measuring up: our bodies aren't measuring up, our sexual capability isn't measuring up, our parenting isn't measuring up . . . just take a look at the magazines in a checkout line. Criticism is packaged as tough love. Confident women are labeled "conceited" or "bitchy." And there are industries that benefit when we buy into these messages (e.g. diet, cosmetics, fashion, etc.). A huge chunk of our spending is focused on trying to get "good enough." I think that this barrage of messages about our failings takes a toll.
Misunderstood Messages
I think there is a challenging balance when children start to learn about self-language. Many parents and educators work to help children cultivate awareness of others and compassion for their experiences. This is incredibly important. However, in our effort to teach children to think about the experiences of others, we may inadvertently send the message that those experiences are more important than the child's own experience. This can lead to the feeling that your own feelings and needs are secondary to the feelings and needs of others. Over time, that message can lead to a sense that you don't deserve to have your feelings respected or your needs met.
Challenges with Shame and Genuine Self-Expression
This factor may be the most important contributor to the kinds of hurtful self-talk that I have experienced in my own head and that my clients express daily. The language and experience of shame is deeply embedded in our culture. My appreciation for the depth and breadth of our shame experiences was tremendously enhanced by Brene Brown's powerful work on Shame Resilience. She describes that work in her book "I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn't)", which I will review in a later post. One of the most powerful take-aways that I got from reading her work was the idea that shame regularly interferes with our authentic expression of self. If we aren't expressing our true selves, it is difficult for us to develop confidence in our own value.
Sound Familiar???
If you have been reading this post and nodding your head, or if the short list of self-slamming statements sounded painfully familiar, then it may be time for a change. Our self-talk is the foundation of strong self-care. If we are bombarding ourselves with negative messages about our value, it is tough to commit to carving out time for exercise, meditation, reading, or any of the other activities that fill us up and nurture our bodies and souls.
So, if this post feels like I've been snooping in your head, then it's time to take action. Here are a few initial steps:
1. Assess your self-talk. Use a thought journal, notes on your phone or an old-fashioned "tick-list" to begin to increase your awareness of how frequently you are engaging in negative self-talk.
2. Challenge the negative. If you start to notice a pattern of negative self-talk, choose one of the most frequent negative thoughts and look for exceptions. For example, if your most common self-slam is "I'm so stupid," be active in noticing how you solve problems, display competency at work, provide what your friends or family need. Gather evidence to argue back.
3. Notice your feelings. Negative self-talk tends to spike when we feel shame, fear, or anxiety. It can create a vicious cycle of increased emotion, more negativity, etc. If you are noticing this, try breaking the cycle by naming those feelings without judgment.
4. Practice compassion. As you notice negative self-talk or difficult emotions, try extending yourself some compassion. Imagine that you are caring for a friend or loved one. Don't add to the negativity by blaming yourself for these patterns. We've all struggled with negative self-talk.
5. Add some positive energy. Be an active agent in trying to identify your own successes. Create some momentum around positive self-talk. It make take practice to feel comfortable with this, but our negative self-talk is not a reflection of our full self. Positive self-talk is not disingenuous--it's simply allowing yourself to see the full picture of your own value.
If you try some of these strategies, and you're still feeling stuck, it might be time to reach out for additional support.
What has been your most challenging piece of negative self-talk? What has been most helpful to you in shifting your self-language to the side of compassion and respect?
If this article connected for you, you may want to check out some of the current research on self-compassion, as highlighted in this article from the Wildmind Buddhist Meditation blog.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Self-Care 101: Pausing
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"Stop trying to control your life. The Universe does not need you to be in charge."
This "Mojo Tip" came from the inspiring Owning Pink website, a space created by founder Lissa Rankin, MD to encourage women to own their unique power, creativity, and spark.
I read it at the end of a thoughtful blog post, while trying to cram some work-related productivity into the middle of an at-home day. I read it while my three-year-old worked diligently to raise my blood pressure by repeatedly popping out of bed during "my" time. And that two-sentence tip did the trick. I stopped focusing on control. I smelled the flowers on my kitchen table. I took some deep breaths.
I paused.
And I breathed.
And I let go. Let go of frustration. Let go of my narrative about how I was in control.
I review this with my clients all the time, but sometimes all of us need a reminder. There is incredible power in just removing ourselves from the chaos in our lives and in our heads. In pausing.
When we pause, especially in the middle of our busiest, most hectic moments, we create space for the bigger picture to peek through. We create room for our core principles to ground us. We step outside of the story that we "must" "should" "ought" "right NOW!"
When we pair a pause with breathing, we reconnect ourselves to self-nourishing behaviors. Breathing feeds us on a cellular level. Breathing restores our balance.
So today, especially if it is a "terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day," my hope for you is that you are able to pause, to breathe, to let go.
I hope that you are able to give yourself the clear space. Please let me know how it works, or your favorite "pausing" tips.
"Stop trying to control your life. The Universe does not need you to be in charge."
This "Mojo Tip" came from the inspiring Owning Pink website, a space created by founder Lissa Rankin, MD to encourage women to own their unique power, creativity, and spark.
I read it at the end of a thoughtful blog post, while trying to cram some work-related productivity into the middle of an at-home day. I read it while my three-year-old worked diligently to raise my blood pressure by repeatedly popping out of bed during "my" time. And that two-sentence tip did the trick. I stopped focusing on control. I smelled the flowers on my kitchen table. I took some deep breaths.
I paused.
And I breathed.
And I let go. Let go of frustration. Let go of my narrative about how I was in control.
I review this with my clients all the time, but sometimes all of us need a reminder. There is incredible power in just removing ourselves from the chaos in our lives and in our heads. In pausing.
When we pause, especially in the middle of our busiest, most hectic moments, we create space for the bigger picture to peek through. We create room for our core principles to ground us. We step outside of the story that we "must" "should" "ought" "right NOW!"
When we pair a pause with breathing, we reconnect ourselves to self-nourishing behaviors. Breathing feeds us on a cellular level. Breathing restores our balance.
So today, especially if it is a "terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day," my hope for you is that you are able to pause, to breathe, to let go.
I hope that you are able to give yourself the clear space. Please let me know how it works, or your favorite "pausing" tips.
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