"The Butter Battle Book:" What Dr. Suess Has to Say about Conflict

Tweet

Source: Wikipedia

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have a reader's crush on the incomparable Dr. Suess. My Suess collection started in high school and has grown throughout my life. I even have the obscure books about his history and artwork. Over time, I have realized that what pulls me back to Dr. Suess, even more than his fantastical creatures and tongue-tripping rhymes, is the vast amount of psychological wisdom packed into those children's books.

Published in 1984, "The Butter Battle Book" was Dr. Suess's response to the idea of "mutually assured destruction" inherent in the nuclear arms race. The book explores two cultures, the Nooks and the Zooks, and begins with the narrator (a Nook) being taken with his grandfather to the Wall, and being told:
"It's high time you knew
of the terribly horrible thing that Zooks do.
In every Zook house and in every Zook town
every Zook eats his bread
with the butter side down!"

The narrator's grandfather then shares the history of the Nooks and the Zooks, from a time when the Wall was quite small. He explores the first act of hostility, and the way that act prompted a more aggressive response. He walks us through the fancier uniforms, bigger bands, more destructive weapons, and more "my way or the highway" thinking. As the book continues, Dr. Suess highlights how we get rigidly attached to our own ideas of right and wrong. He demonstrates how quickly tension and anger can escalate.

The book ends with both the Nooks and the Zooks having developed a "Big-Boy Boomeroo"--a weapon capable of incredible destruction. As the Nook and the Zook face off on the Wall, the grandson looks on:
" 'Grandpa!' I shouted. 'Be careful! Oh gee!
Who's going to drop it?
Will you . . . ? Or will he . . . ?'
'Be patient,' said Grandpa. 'We'll see.
We will see . . .' "

I know that Dr. Suess wrote this book as a parable about the dangers of nuclear arms races, but as I read it, I am struck by how "The Butter Battle Book" carries messages for us to consider in all areas of conflict. Hang in there with me, I can understand if you are wondering how I can compare nuclear war to fights over the dishes. Here's how. At the heart of this story is the idea that each of us deeply believes that the way we choose to do things--whether those things are eating buttered bread, putting laundry in the hamper, showing love, disciplining children, or communicating--the way we choose to do things is the right way.

Let's follow that idea out a bit. If the way that you choose to do something is the right way (butter-side up), then doing it differently (butter-side down) is wrong. If you are a butter-side up person in relationship with someone who chooses butter-side down, then one of you is wrong. Take a moment and pause as you read this. Can you come up with at least one area in your life where you have a passionate conviction that your choices are "right?" Most of us can, if we're being honest. Here's the next step. Can you think of a time when your conviction about being right led to a conflict (argument, fight, silent treatment--whatever language you use to describe that experience)? Let's take it one step more. If you can think of an experience where you were in conflict, can you remember the conflict escalating because neither person was able to step away from her/his own perspective?

I think that the principle Dr. Suess is illustrating is that when we become locked in to a single perspective, we are not only risking conflict, but we are risking conflict that escalates into painful territory. And with a history of escalated conflicts, we can find ourselves holding emotional "Big-Boy Boomeroos" over one another's heads.

So, here's my challenge to you this week. Take a few moments and reflect on whether or not you have accumulated some "butter-side" conflict triggers. If so, what are your best strategies for defusing them? I'll be working on some defusing strategies of my own for a future post. In the meantime, I look forward to hearing your ideas.

Fear: Why We Silence Ourselves in Relationships

Tweet

How Does Silence Happen?

The longer I am in practice, the more I see the insidious impact of fear in many of my clients' lives. While I have been thinking about this, I have realized that it will take me several posts to explore the multi-faceted effects of fear. In this post, I want to address a key way that I see fear affecting relationships.

The following conversation is imaginary, but draws on countless real conversations that I have had in therapy. As you read through it, please feel free to listen for your own voice. Has this ever been your experience?

************

ME: So, how long have you been upset with person X about their behavior (or lack of communication, or insensitivity to feelings, or ....)?

CLIENT Y: I don't know. Maybe a few weeks (months, years, decades).

ME: Have you ever talked with them about exactly how you are feeling? How did that work out?

CLIENT Y: I have tried, but they don't seem to hear me and they get angry. OR: No, not really. I know person X didn't mean to upset me. I don't want to start a fight (or I don't want them to be mad, or I don't want to hurt their feelings, or I don't want them to leave).

*************

Did you see the dynamic of fear in that conversation? As I said, it's one that I have almost daily with clients. Sometimes, I'm having the conversation with myself. The dynamic begins when we become frightened of a relationship consequence, which might range from a disagreement to hurt feelings to the end of a relationship. Our fear prevents us from addressing our concerns in a timely way (see related post on when conflict in relationships can be healthy). In effect, our fear silences our authentic voice.

How Fear Manifests in Relationships

Over time, this silencing can have a toxic effect on relationships. When we allow fear to silence us instead of voicing our true experience, we begin to lose touch with our own voice. We begin to experience a sense of frustration, of resentment, of invisibility. These feelings often express themselves in two common patterns:

The Martyr
The martyr shows up when one person in a relationship is so frightened of expressing their own difficult feelings that they will sacrifice them indefinitely. Clues that the martyr pattern may be emerging are statements such as, "I don't want to upset my partner (parent, sister, friend), so I just keep those feelings to myself." or "I don't want to impose my feelings on anyone else."

Over time the martyr pattern can be very harmful. Individuals who are stuck in this pattern can begin to internalize a diminished sense of self. They may begin to believe that their own voice is less important, less worthy, less valuable than those around them. They become stuck in the cycle of fearing that to speak the truth of their experiences is to "burden" those around them.

Another difficulty that can come up with the martyr pattern is that people stuck in this pattern struggle to set healthy boundaries. They may give up their own goals and interests as they try to avoid conflict. This isolation makes them more dependent on the relationship. When that happens, the fear of losing the relationship, even if it is an unhealthy or hurtful relationship, can keep them stuck and silent.

The Exploder
The exploder is someone who participates in a cyclical process of silence and loud noise. They allow their silenced experiences to build up over time in a pressure-cooker of frustration and resentment. Eventually, something happens to "over-pressurize" the situation. Then, exploders have a loud, noticeable response.

Since the response to that specific situation carries the pressure of many previous situations where exploders felt silenced, it is often hard for them to be heard and validated. Because the reaction is out of proportion to the specific situation, the other person in the relationship may dismiss the exploder as "over-emotional, unreasonable, histrionic, or over-reacting."

The "explosion" can make it difficult for the other person in the relationship to receive a clear, explicit message about how their actions affect the exploder. It may even trigger the conflict that the exploder was afraid of from the beginning. Unfortunately, the process of explosion often reinforces the belief that silence is an effective way to manage communication. What I hear from exploders is: "I tried to communicate how I felt, and everything just blew up. I'm better off keeping my feelings to myself."

The Costs of Silence

One thing that both patterns of silence share is the underlying desire to preserve relationships. The pattern of silence, whether you tend to explode or to be a martyr, offers a false promise. It says, "If you can just tough it out and avoid the conflict, you will be able to keep your relationship."

In reality, this promise is impossible to keep. If you are silent to avoid conflict, then a culture of mistrust grows in the relationship. If you are silent to avoid conflict, you begin to doubt your own worth and the value of your feelings.

How to Break Free From Silence

The first step in changing patterns of silence in relationships is to acknowledge that the pattern exists. As you think about important relationships in your life, consider these questions:

Do I feel as though the relationship is active and growing?
Do I feel heard?
Do I feel free to express my feelings as they happen?
Can I say what I feel without fear of negative consequences?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, then a pattern of silence may exist in that relationship. The first step in breaking free of silence is to acknowledge its existence. The next step is to begin to reconnect with your voice. This may involve journaling, talking to others you trust, or even spending some time with a therapist.

Once you have reconnected with your voice, then it's time to practice using it. Choose a small issue that has been creating distance between yourself and your loved one. Use your voice! Once you have gotten a little bit of practice, try a bigger issue.

The difficulty about using your voice in a specific relationship is that your fear of speaking in that relationship comes from an awareness that the relationship is facing big challenges. If the relationship has foundational flaws, honest conversations may reveal those flaws. A critical part of regaining your voice is developing the conviction that you deserve a relationship that is healthy, even if that means letting go of the relationship that you are in right now.

I know that the challenge of connecting with and exercising your authentic voice is frightening. I also know that fear constricts us, holds us back, limits our ability to contribute to the world. Please take this as my invitation to face your fear. I believe that, in the long run, your freedom will be worth the journey!

Please share your experiences of finding your voice, and experiencing freedom from fear.

For Couples: When Conflict is Healthy

Tweet

**Disclaimer: This post is about couples who are not dealing with issues of abuse or control within the relationship. Conflict in an abusive relationship is not safe or healthy. The information that I am exploring in this post is designed to be used by both partners within a relationship to improve their communication and connection. If you are concerned that you may be in a controlling or abusive relationship, please seek help.**

"We never fight." When I hear that sentence in reference to a marriage or committed relationship, it makes my heart sink. This is why. Think for a moment about anyone that you have lived with for more than a few days: siblings, roommates, partners, etc. Now think about the most irritating thing that you encountered while living with someone else. Not that hard, was it? The truth is, when we share living space with someone, let alone a life, they sometimes get on our nerves. The more emotionally invested we are in that person, the more likely it is that they will sometimes hurt our feelings, fail to anticipate our needs, frustrate us, or otherwise misunderstand us.

There is this myth floating around that "no conflict" is a healthy relationship goal, something that we should all be working toward. This post is my attempt to push back against this myth, because I believe that it is truly harmful to relationships. I think that this mis-perception that conflict is fundamentally bad comes from several sources. First, I believe that many people have seen few or no examples of healthy conflict. They may come from families where conflict was hidden. Alternatively they may come from families where conflict did not include a set of safe, healthy boundaries. Without examples of healthy conflict, it is easy to believe that, either people who love each other don't fight, or that conflict is scary and unsafe. A second source of conflict avoidance comes from our own discomfort with the emotions that lead to conflict. Most of us are not comfortable feeling angry, or hurt, or let down. Addressing these emotions openly often leads to an increase in tension before a resolution is reached. Because of this, many of us choose to ignore our feelings in an attempt to avoid discomfort. The third source of conflict avoidance is a result of the first two sources. If we do not have strong example of healthy conflict resolution, and we avoid expressing difficult emotions, we don't develop the skills we need to successfully manage conflict in a healthy way. Finally, I believe that many of us are scared that if we share our more difficult emotions with our partners, that they will leave.

As I said earlier, I believe that "never fighting" is a danger sign for relationships. I believe that avoiding conflict is a choice that has a very high relationship cost. In order to understand this, let me shift the lens a bit. Earlier, I asked you to think about experiences that you have had while living with others. I asked you to remember feelings of frustration, hurt or anger. When we do not express these feelings, they accumulate. Over time, small experiences of hurt, anger or frustration can compound and intensify. If conflict is not addressed and resolved in a healthy way, the misunderstandings of daily life together can begin to erode the trust a couple has in one another. As a backlog of hurt feelings, experiences of feeling misunderstood or unheard, and frustration about not feeling valued accumulate, the closeness and intimacy shared by a couple may be in danger of being damaged. These are the type of comments I hear when a couple has avoided conflict: "I didn't say that I needed some time together because I didn't want to complain, but it just felt like you never chose me." "I never brought up the affair because I didn't want to fight about it, but I never really trusted you after that."

I believe that conflict in relationships has consistently been treated as something that is negative. And, if the conflict is not expressed in a healthy, safe, respectful manner, it can be harmful. However, I believe that learning how to have healthy conflict is an important tool for improving connection and intimacy between a couple. Developing healthy conflict skills is a long-term process, and you may benefit from having a couple's therapist help you in the early stages.

Couples Communication: Teaching Your Partner How to Love You

Tweet

**I'm going to start this post with a disclaimer. During this post, I'm going to be exploring how couples make choices about showing love to one another. This post is about couples who are not dealing with issues of abuse or control within the relationship. The accusation that "You are not loving me the right way" is a common tool for individuals who are emotionally controlling or abusive. The information that I am exploring in this post is designed to be used by both partners within a relationship to improve their communication and connection. If you are concerned that you may be in a controlling or abusive relationship, please seek help.**

Teaching Your Partner How to Love You

For this post, I'll be exploring another issue that comes up frequently with my clients. This time around, I plan to explore one of the most common issues that I see between couples: the struggle to give and receive love.

Let me explain that a little bit further. What I frequently see when I meet with a couple is two people who feel hurt, frustrated, unheard, unvalidated, and unloved. This can be true even when one or both members of the couple is working very hard to show their partner that they are loved. On the surface, that seems to be a contradiction. How is it possible that someone can work hard to love their partner, and their partner still feels unheard or unloved? Is that person ineffective at showing love? Is their partner just ungrateful or demanding?

I don't think either of those explanations are accurate. Instead, I believe that our efforts to show love get tangled up in three key ways:

1. Couples do not understand that there are many ways to define love.
2. Couples fall into the trap of using their own definitions of love to
determine how they love their partners.
3. Couples lack the communication tools to communicate their own definitions of
love to their partners.

Defining Love

So, let's begin with how love is defined. What I have learned in my work with couples is that "showing love" is a very subjective term. Because "love" is a value, not a tangible product, our definition of love is a reflection of our own life experiences and values. So, for each person, "giving love" and "receiving love" are personal experiences, with personal definitions. Let me give you an example of this. There is a huge industry built around the fact that many people believe that sending flowers is a good way to show love. However, growing up, I learned that sending flowers to my mom did not make her feel loved. It stressed her out that someone had spent money on something that was going to die in a few days. I learned that, if you wanted my mom to feel loved, you should buy her a lilac or rose bush that she can enjoy for years to come. "Love" means something different to each of us.

Working from Different Definitions

That brings us to the second challenge of giving and receiving love effectively. Our understanding of love is personal and directly connected to our history, values and life experiences. So, it makes sense that our automatic response when we love someone is to love them according to our own definition of love. For example, if I am a person who understands "love" to mean "providing a nice home," I might make sure to pick up the dishes or do the laundry before my partner gets home. But if I am a person who understands "love" to mean "feeling pampered," I might make sure to take my partner out to nice dinners or send them flowers. Neither of these responses is a problem by itself. But, if you have a person for whom "love" means "providing a nice home" partnered with someone for whom "love" means "feeling pampered," it's easy to see how the signals can start to get crossed. No amount of clean dishes, scrubbed floors, or fresh laundry is going to say "I love you" to the person who would like to be taken out to dinner or otherwise pampered. Conversely, no amount of special dinners, flowers, or other treats is going to say "I love you" to the person who just wants a tidy house or a working kitchen faucet. When you explore examples like this, it becomes easier to see how one or both members of a couple can feel that they are working hard to love their partner, but that the love is not felt or appreciated.

Defining Love for Our Partners

That brings us to the third barrier to effectively communicating love--learning how to define love in a way that is meaningful to our partners. Our understanding of "love" is intensely personal. However, the words that we use are generic: "show me love," "let me know you care," etc. As we saw in the examples above, those generic terms can have very different definitions from person to person.

So, when I am working with a couple, I encourage them to begin with a personal challenge. I ask each member of the couple to think about what love means to them. The catch is that they have to define love in terms of specific actions. By using specific actions to capture their personal definitions of love, members of a couple accomplish two goals. First, you give your partner the tools to give affection in a way that is genuinely received as loving because it meets your specific definition of love. Second, when you understand how your partner defines love, you are more likely to notice when they are loving you according to their own definition, so you feel that you are receiving even more love. Accurate, action-based definitions of love can be an important tool for short-circuiting feelings of hurt or invalidation in relationships.

Conclusions

So, in summary, couples can begin to deepen their connection and diminish hurt when they are aware of three things. First, each of us defines love in very personal, specific ways based on our life experiences and values. Second, most of us tend to show love in the ways that we want to receive it--based on our personal definitions of love. Third, by using action-based definitions of love, couples can teach one another how to give and receive love more effectively.

Before I close, I want to address a final point that comes up for many couples. I have frequently had couples resist the process of identifying the actions that fit their love definition. The reason I often hear is a belief that, "If they love me, they should know this." Another objection I hear from couples is, "I show them how I want them to act, why should I have to tell them?" When I hear these objections, I remind couples that love is a subjective term. It simply doesn't make sense to expect our partners to intuit our definitions of love. In fact, that places a large, unnecessary burden on the relationship. Rather than viewing this teaching process as a burden, I invite couples to see it as a chance to learn even more about one another.

Communication skills are essential for a strong relationship. Understanding your own and your partner's definition of love can be a powerful communication tool that ultimately improves both your ability to give and your ability to receive love from one another.

For Couples: Are You Asking these Questions?

Tweet

In preparing to be a guest on Lori Pritchard's The Life Coach Hour radio program, I began working on a list of questions. I was inspired to try to identify important issues for couples to explore while dating. The questions below are intended to help couples begin discussions on many issues. I developed the list based on common issues that I see couples struggle with in therapy. I also had great input from the brain trust of psychologists in the Feminist Psychologist Moms group.

If you've been reading my other posts, you know that I am committed to strong communication as part of a healthy relationship. I think that many couples could avoid challenges if they would explore some of the "big" questions in the early stages of their relationship.

I hope that these questions are useful to you, and that they promote the kind of communication that builds strong, healthy relationships.

Questions Committed Couples Should Explore:

1. What are your goals in life (kids, career, financial planning, area of residence, etc.)?
2. How does your family of origin handle conflict? communication? displaying affection?
3. What makes you feel loved?
4. What have been your biggest challenges with former roommates, family members, or others you have shared living space with?
5. What do you think about division of household labor: cleaning, cooking, maintenance, etc?
6. How do you express anger? hurt? frustration? How do you handle conflict when it arises? How good are you at brainstorming solutions? What is your style of communication? Have the two of you seen any differences in how you let each other know how you're feeling or what you're thinking? How will you handle those differences?
7. How do you manage your money? Are you a spender, saver, planner, etc.? Do you have significant debt? What are your plans?
8. What are the most difficult challenges you have experienced so far in life (death of loved ones, financial problems, mental or physical health concerns, etc.)
9. How do you function when you are stressed out?
10. What are your core values: family, job, religion, money, friends, social standing, volunteerism, etc?
11. What is your religious/spiritual orientation?
12. How connected are you to your family of origin? What are expectations in terms of holidays, kids, other family time?
13. How do you each get along with the others family? How will you handle conflicts between your partner and your family if/when they arise?
14. What are your experiences and attitudes toward sex and physical intimacy? How willing are you to learn and explore?
15. Are you socially conservative or socially liberal? How do you negotiate differences of opinion?
16. How do you relax? Do you need quiet time or people time?
17. If you want to have children, what are your parenting values? How do you want to handle teaching and discipline?
18. If you want to have children, how have you imagined that a child might change your life? change your relationship? how will you handle the change? how will you handle the addition of labor and division of labor that comes with having a child?
19. How have the two of you built trust with each other?

Please feel free to share additional thoughts or questions!

The Power of "AND": A tool for couples (and individuals too)

Tweet

Almost every couple that makes it to therapy is struggling with some core issues. These issues include learning how to love one another (more on that another day) and learning how to communicate effectively. Today, I'm going to focus on effective communication. In that spirit, I will share with you one of the tools that I find myself using all the time when I do couples' therapy.

When I am working with a couple, I hear lots of communication that sounds like this: "I know that I hurt your feelings, but I was really angry." or "I know it's hard for you to be around my family, but they didn't mean to be difficult." At first glance, this kind of communication might seem okay. After all, there is an acknowledgment of feelings. Isn't that good communication?

Here's the problem. For most of us, the word "but" creates a sense that there is only one true way to look at a situation. On an emotional level, it feels like everything that came before the "but" was insincere, just an attempt to "say the right thing." It feels like what comes after the "but" is what the speaker believes is true.

So, in the examples above, what we hear is: "I was angry and that is more important than whether or not you feel bad." or "My family does the best they can, so why are you being so difficult?" This is clearly not effective communication. When you understand how a "but" functions on an emotional level, it is easy to see how it can sidetrack effective listening, hearing and problem solving.

There is a very simple language substitution that can have a significant impact on how communication flows in a relationship. Replacing "but" with "AND" completely changes the way a communication feels. Let's see how that looks in the examples from earlier. "I know that I hurt your feelings, AND I was really angry." or "I know it's hard for you to be around my family, AND they didn't mean to be difficult." As you read those sentences, compare your emotional reaction to the earlier examples with "but." Which set of sentences feels more conducive to continuing communication?

The reality is, particularly in relationships, that we often experience multiple truths. Sometimes, those truths even appear to be in opposition to one another. In the first example above, we see a common example of multiple truths. When a couple is in conflict, it can be true that one member of the couple can both be angry AND acknowledge the impact of their anger on their partner at the same time.

When we acknowledge that there is more than one truth affecting a couple, we create opportunities for more effective communication. Replacing "but" with "AND" reduces friction, because it states a permission for each member of the couple to have their own experiences. When we don't have to defend our experiences, we are more able and willing to acknowledge the experiences of our partners.

Give it a shot! As you move through your day today, be conscious of your language. Try replacing "but" with "AND". Notice what it feels like to be open to the possibility that more than one thing can be true. Then, practice using "AND" with your partner. I look forward to hearing how this simple change affects your communication.