Your Opinion of Me is None of My Business

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"Your opinion of me is none of my business." --Randy Pausch, "The Last Lecture"

Wow! A commenter shared this quote as a response to Ragan Chastain's powerful post "Who Appoints the Body Judges?"  If you haven't read the post, I recommend it.  Both Ragan's post and Pausch's quote got me thinking.   Because, really, if you sit with this quote, it is a pretty major reversal of how most of us think about the opinions of others. 

It is not an unusual experience for me to be sitting with a client who feels profoundly affected by the opinions of others--and I know that their experiences aren't isolated.  I think we have all felt touched by the opinions of others, both in good ways and in bad.  These others might be family members who told you that you were "disappointing."  The others might be classmates who bullied you in grade school, because you were smart, or tall, or fat, or any-one-of-a-million-ways-you-could-be-different.  The others might be teachers or bosses who did not understand you, or provided you with harsh criticism.  The others may be romantic partners who broke your heart, damaged your trust, or were abusive.    The others may be total strangers who believe that they have the right to insert their opinion about you (your weight, sexual orientation, career choice, parenting choice, etc.) into your life.  The others could be anyone for whom you choose to sacrifice some part of yourself--for a raise, for a relationship, for approval.

All of us have experienced hearing others' opinions about ourselves and our choices.  In fact, it's not unusual for us to give more weight to the opinions of others than we do to our own opinions. Somewhere along the line we have gotten convinced that what others say about us is "objective," while our own experience gets labeled as "biased"--although I have noticed this seems to be more true for negative feedback than for positive.  And so we act as though others' opinion of us is our business--in fact we treat it as the most important business!

Right about now, I can hear someone getting ready to argue with me about this.  To tell me that we have to treat others' opinions as important because we don't live on isolated islands.  Because making a good impression is how we move forward in the world.  Because relationships matter--and so we have to care how and what others think of us.

So let me clarify.  When I am talking about opinions, I am not talking about the moments in relationships where there is feedback about your behavior, or an expression of someone else's emotional experience.  That is communication.  It's critical to all of our relationships, and it doesn't always include universal harmony and agreement.  In fact, as I've discussed in other posts, communication can include some challenging moments.  But opinions are a creature of their own, and they aren't always clearly identified.

Here's what dictionary.com has to say when I ask about "opinion:"

o·pin·ion [uh-pin-yuh-n] 
–noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2.  a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

The problem that I see is that many of us ignore a few of the key adjectives up there.  We treat others' opinions as though they do have "complete" certainty--and authority.  We forget that the opinions of others are "personal," and treat them as though they are true for our own experience.     

What struck me when I read Pausch's quote is that this is something that is worth a lot more thought.  Think about the last frustrating encounter you had with someone.  How much of what was going on involved that person (or you) acting as though their opinion of you should be your business?  How much was about treating their personal attitude as though it had complete certainty in your life?  How would that encounter have felt if you could have held Pausch's quote in your mind?  Would you have felt less judged?  Carried the hurt or frustration for less time?

Here's where the need for balance comes in.  None of us has all the answers and we don't exist in isolation.  We can benefit from having our own opinions questioned and challenged.  The opinions of others may even provide good insight for us.  But we need to see them for what they are--opinions and not facts.  We need to remove the power, and remind ourselves that we are the only expert on our own experience.   

So, I have a challenge for you.  Some time in the next week, sit down with yourself and identify a place in your life where someone else's opinion has affected your choice, feeling, or behavior.  Ask yourself what your thoughts, feelings and beliefs about that situation are.  And then take action to try to bring your choices and behaviors in line with your own personal beliefs.

I'll be paying attention to this too! 

Focusing on What We Have: An Exercise in Building Gratitude

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I don't know how many of my readers have spent time with small children, but I have done a lot of that recently, and it is giving me some interesting insights into the world. Here's a phenomenon that struck a strong chord with me.

A child is playing happily, focused on the toy in their hands. In the room are other toys, many of which have been ignored by this child for days or weeks. And then a second child enters the room and picks up one of the ignored toys. As soon as the second child's hands touch the toy, the first child (who, let's remember, was happy moments ago) is in immediate distress. "Why can't I have that one?" "We need another one." Their initial happiness is completely forgotten, lost in the longing for "something else."

It would be easy to brush this off as a childish issue. Point out developmental milestones, wonder secretly if these were really spoiled children. But here's the deal. I see this with adults all the time. "Why does she get a partner and I am alone?" "Why does he have a good job and I'm stuck in this one?" "Why can't my house/car/clothes be as nice as hers?" "Why can't I be taller/thinner/curvier/more muscular?" Sound familiar?

I am not sure what the reason for this hyper-focus on the experiences or possessions of others is. Maybe it is because of our media-soaked consumer culture. Or maybe it is because many of us are struggling with insecurity that we try to mask by focusing on what others have. Regardless of why it happens, the experience of focusing on what we don't have is a common thread for many of my clients. I know that it is an experience I have had.

Here's the problem. When what we notice is what others have, we are constantly in a state of loss, absence, & longing. The focus on others and their situations means that we are not experiencing our own lives. We are missing the joys and blessings that are mixed in with our challenges.

The irony of this is that, right this minute, someone is looking at us and thinking, "Why can't I have what she has?" Someone is focusing on our life and missing their own.

So, I invite you to try an experiment with me. When you're done reading this post, spend 1-10 minutes focusing exclusively on what you have. That might be a job, a friend, a pet, a book, the ability to walk or run without pain . . . the list is endless. I know that if you are reading this post from a place of pain, I'm asking you to do something challenging. I believe in you. You don't need to be thrilled with your whole life. Just look for one thing that you have--right now. Celebrate it. Focus on it. For this couple of minutes, let it define your attitude.

Try repeating this for a week--at least one minute per day. Feel free to check back with me in the comments, on Twitter or on Facebook. I hope that you find yourself in a place of deeper calm and self-appreciation.