"The Butter Battle Book:" What Dr. Suess Has to Say about Conflict

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Source: Wikipedia

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have a reader's crush on the incomparable Dr. Suess. My Suess collection started in high school and has grown throughout my life. I even have the obscure books about his history and artwork. Over time, I have realized that what pulls me back to Dr. Suess, even more than his fantastical creatures and tongue-tripping rhymes, is the vast amount of psychological wisdom packed into those children's books.

Published in 1984, "The Butter Battle Book" was Dr. Suess's response to the idea of "mutually assured destruction" inherent in the nuclear arms race. The book explores two cultures, the Nooks and the Zooks, and begins with the narrator (a Nook) being taken with his grandfather to the Wall, and being told:
"It's high time you knew
of the terribly horrible thing that Zooks do.
In every Zook house and in every Zook town
every Zook eats his bread
with the butter side down!"

The narrator's grandfather then shares the history of the Nooks and the Zooks, from a time when the Wall was quite small. He explores the first act of hostility, and the way that act prompted a more aggressive response. He walks us through the fancier uniforms, bigger bands, more destructive weapons, and more "my way or the highway" thinking. As the book continues, Dr. Suess highlights how we get rigidly attached to our own ideas of right and wrong. He demonstrates how quickly tension and anger can escalate.

The book ends with both the Nooks and the Zooks having developed a "Big-Boy Boomeroo"--a weapon capable of incredible destruction. As the Nook and the Zook face off on the Wall, the grandson looks on:
" 'Grandpa!' I shouted. 'Be careful! Oh gee!
Who's going to drop it?
Will you . . . ? Or will he . . . ?'
'Be patient,' said Grandpa. 'We'll see.
We will see . . .' "

I know that Dr. Suess wrote this book as a parable about the dangers of nuclear arms races, but as I read it, I am struck by how "The Butter Battle Book" carries messages for us to consider in all areas of conflict. Hang in there with me, I can understand if you are wondering how I can compare nuclear war to fights over the dishes. Here's how. At the heart of this story is the idea that each of us deeply believes that the way we choose to do things--whether those things are eating buttered bread, putting laundry in the hamper, showing love, disciplining children, or communicating--the way we choose to do things is the right way.

Let's follow that idea out a bit. If the way that you choose to do something is the right way (butter-side up), then doing it differently (butter-side down) is wrong. If you are a butter-side up person in relationship with someone who chooses butter-side down, then one of you is wrong. Take a moment and pause as you read this. Can you come up with at least one area in your life where you have a passionate conviction that your choices are "right?" Most of us can, if we're being honest. Here's the next step. Can you think of a time when your conviction about being right led to a conflict (argument, fight, silent treatment--whatever language you use to describe that experience)? Let's take it one step more. If you can think of an experience where you were in conflict, can you remember the conflict escalating because neither person was able to step away from her/his own perspective?

I think that the principle Dr. Suess is illustrating is that when we become locked in to a single perspective, we are not only risking conflict, but we are risking conflict that escalates into painful territory. And with a history of escalated conflicts, we can find ourselves holding emotional "Big-Boy Boomeroos" over one another's heads.

So, here's my challenge to you this week. Take a few moments and reflect on whether or not you have accumulated some "butter-side" conflict triggers. If so, what are your best strategies for defusing them? I'll be working on some defusing strategies of my own for a future post. In the meantime, I look forward to hearing your ideas.

For Couples: When Conflict is Healthy

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**Disclaimer: This post is about couples who are not dealing with issues of abuse or control within the relationship. Conflict in an abusive relationship is not safe or healthy. The information that I am exploring in this post is designed to be used by both partners within a relationship to improve their communication and connection. If you are concerned that you may be in a controlling or abusive relationship, please seek help.**

"We never fight." When I hear that sentence in reference to a marriage or committed relationship, it makes my heart sink. This is why. Think for a moment about anyone that you have lived with for more than a few days: siblings, roommates, partners, etc. Now think about the most irritating thing that you encountered while living with someone else. Not that hard, was it? The truth is, when we share living space with someone, let alone a life, they sometimes get on our nerves. The more emotionally invested we are in that person, the more likely it is that they will sometimes hurt our feelings, fail to anticipate our needs, frustrate us, or otherwise misunderstand us.

There is this myth floating around that "no conflict" is a healthy relationship goal, something that we should all be working toward. This post is my attempt to push back against this myth, because I believe that it is truly harmful to relationships. I think that this mis-perception that conflict is fundamentally bad comes from several sources. First, I believe that many people have seen few or no examples of healthy conflict. They may come from families where conflict was hidden. Alternatively they may come from families where conflict did not include a set of safe, healthy boundaries. Without examples of healthy conflict, it is easy to believe that, either people who love each other don't fight, or that conflict is scary and unsafe. A second source of conflict avoidance comes from our own discomfort with the emotions that lead to conflict. Most of us are not comfortable feeling angry, or hurt, or let down. Addressing these emotions openly often leads to an increase in tension before a resolution is reached. Because of this, many of us choose to ignore our feelings in an attempt to avoid discomfort. The third source of conflict avoidance is a result of the first two sources. If we do not have strong example of healthy conflict resolution, and we avoid expressing difficult emotions, we don't develop the skills we need to successfully manage conflict in a healthy way. Finally, I believe that many of us are scared that if we share our more difficult emotions with our partners, that they will leave.

As I said earlier, I believe that "never fighting" is a danger sign for relationships. I believe that avoiding conflict is a choice that has a very high relationship cost. In order to understand this, let me shift the lens a bit. Earlier, I asked you to think about experiences that you have had while living with others. I asked you to remember feelings of frustration, hurt or anger. When we do not express these feelings, they accumulate. Over time, small experiences of hurt, anger or frustration can compound and intensify. If conflict is not addressed and resolved in a healthy way, the misunderstandings of daily life together can begin to erode the trust a couple has in one another. As a backlog of hurt feelings, experiences of feeling misunderstood or unheard, and frustration about not feeling valued accumulate, the closeness and intimacy shared by a couple may be in danger of being damaged. These are the type of comments I hear when a couple has avoided conflict: "I didn't say that I needed some time together because I didn't want to complain, but it just felt like you never chose me." "I never brought up the affair because I didn't want to fight about it, but I never really trusted you after that."

I believe that conflict in relationships has consistently been treated as something that is negative. And, if the conflict is not expressed in a healthy, safe, respectful manner, it can be harmful. However, I believe that learning how to have healthy conflict is an important tool for improving connection and intimacy between a couple. Developing healthy conflict skills is a long-term process, and you may benefit from having a couple's therapist help you in the early stages.