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I am not a big pop radio listener. In fact, most of the time my radio is either playing NPR (have I mentioned before that I'm kind of a geek?), or my iTunes playlist. So, I tend to be pretty clueless about current popular music. But it's summertime. That means I'm at the pool quite a bit, so I'm stuck with whatever music choices the pool staff makes. And since the pool staff tends to be high school and college folks, the pool speakers tend to play a lot of pop radio. That's how I came to hear the song "Who Says." The lyrics caught my attention--they seemed to convey so much of what I want my clients to be able to say to themselves:
"You've got every right
To a beautiful life.
Come on!
Who says?
Who says you're not perfect?
Who says you're not worth it?
Who says you're the only one that's hurting?
Trust me,
That's the price of beauty.
Who says you're not pretty?
Who says you're not beautiful?
Who says?
Who says you're not star potential?
Who says you're not presidential?
Who says you can't be in movies?
Listen to me, listen to me.
Who says you don't past the test?
Who says you can't be the best?
Who said?
Who said?
Would you tell me who said that?
Yeah~
Who said?"
These lyrics felt right on point for me. It's so important to question the limiting, self-critical beliefs that we hold. Asking "who said" and challenging the validity of negative, hurtful messages is an important skill for building and maintaining our self-esteem. As I heard the song over and over, I could feel a blog post beginning--one that questions and challenges what we do when the answer to, "Who says?" is, "Me." I wanted to explore the voice inside of us that tears down our value, our talent, our unique contributions. That was the original direction for this post.
But then I went to do a lyric search. When I performed the lyric search, I found out that the song is sung by Selena Gomez. For those of you who don't know Selena Gomez, she is a Disney star, in the same vein as Miley Cyrus. She stars in a Disney series and has a complementary music career.
And that's where things got complicated for me. Because the song lyrics do a lovely job of challenging the (sometimes crippling) self-doubt that many of us face. The music video even follows through with that message, as Selena sheds the "fancy" trappings at the beginning of the video to emerge in a casual "make-up free" finale.
So why does this feel complicated? The words are powerful. The images back up the words. But this song and this video are only part of the Selena Gomez package. The character that she plays in her series is vapid, appearance-obsessed, and often pretty selfish. Her brother is the one who cares about learning and provides the moral voice in the show. This is pretty standard Disney fare. And it is all part of a powerful marketing machine that tells girls from a young age that their appearance (and their consumption of the Disney brand) is what will make them happy. For a great analysis of the impact of Disney's marketing on girls and young women, check out Peggy Orenstein's powerful book "Cinderella Ate My Daughter." But this isn't a post about Disney, or a post about parenting. (If you want some good resources, check out: Peggy Orenstein's blog, Pigtail Pals, or Shaping Youth--to name a few.)
This is a post about the constant barrage of mixed messages that we receive from childhood on about how we are supposed to relate to ourselves. Here's this song with self-loving lyrics, and a video that seems to celebrate accepting yourself as you are instead of putting on a facade. But that song & video are performed by an actress who is one of the faces of a company that has historically done a pretty crummy job of truly celebrating and honoring female characters. Which message is real? Are we perfect or do we need all the right products? And why should those of us who are old enough to be out of Disney's target demographic care if the messages are mixed?
Here's why. As I have gone through the process of researching and writing this post, I have felt a range of emotions. When I heard the song, I was initially excited about the positive message. When I realized that it was part of the Disney machine, I was disappointed. I almost scrubbed the whole post. Then I challenged myself to watch the video, to make an informed decision. And what I realized was that my experiences with this post were a microcosm of what we all face when we try to engage with ourselves in a loving way.
We are constantly coping with mixed messages. We're told that "we're perfect." We're told that "maybe she's born with it--maybe it's Maybelline"--or that we're not perfect unless we have the products that make us look perfect. We're told that our voices are powerful. We're told that we shouldn't speak up if it makes others uncomfortable.
As psychologists, we regularly expect ourselves--and our clients--to work towards self-acceptance or self-compassion. If we have that expectation, but we don't acknowledge the culture of mixed messages that we live in, we're asking a nearly impossible feat.
It is common for clients to express frustration that it is so hard for them to engage in compassionate ways with themselves. What I have seen is that most of my clients are pretty surprised when I point out the mixed messages they are surrounded by, and gently ask if they might be influenced by those mixed messages. This is an instance where it is important for us to place ourselves, and our clients, in the context of our culture. We're bombarded with these paradoxical messages. You're perfect--or you will be if you buy this. It simply makes sense that we would internalize that struggle.
The experience of creating this post was a powerful reminder for me. Yes, it is incredibly important to nurture and develop our skills of self-love and self-compassion. Yes, we can care for ourselves no matter how others have treated us. Yes, we do deserve love in the face of our shortcomings and failures. All of these things are true. But all of us are exposed to these truths in a culture that affirms with one sentence and diminishes with the next. We are inundated with a culture that believes in undermining self-compassion to motivate you to purchase a "fix."
It is unfair and unrealistic to advocate self-compassion without acknowledging that we're surrounded by contradicting messages. Sometimes, as in the case of Selena Gomez and "Who Says," those contradicting messages are wrapped up in one package. No wonder so many of us feel confounded by the idea of "just love yourself."
So, for just one moment, I hope that you can pause. Acknowledge that you're bombarded by mixed messages. Give yourself permission to get a bit confused by those mixed messages. And then offer yourself a moment of compassion, of recognition that you are perfect, beautiful, and worth it--right now, without changing or buying a thing.
What do you think?
Showing posts with label self-compassion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-compassion. Show all posts
Friday, June 10, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Five Steps to More Compassionate Listening
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I'm feeling so grateful to my growing Twitter community these days--they are a font of inspiration. After reading my posts on "When 'Helpful' Isn't," @janaejl1 suggested a "how-to" list for good listening. I loved that idea, so here is my stab at it!
First, let me explore my hypothesis on why we need a "how-to" list to begin with. I think that, as a culture, we get a "D" for our listening skills. I believe that this is particularly true when someone is discussing a painful subject. While there are many complicated reasons that people may not listen well, I think that all of the reasons tend to fall within two umbrellas:
1. Being overwhelmed. Sometimes a failure to listen reflects the tremendous pressure placed on us and on our time by our "try-to-do-it-all" lives. If your brain is on whether or not you turned on the crock-pot, filed that report properly AND paid the mortgage--you might not tune in enough to listen well. If you're struggling with your own stress or loss, you may not have the emotional energy to extend to someone else in pain. Most of us are coping with some degree of feeling overwhelmed.
2. Being too emotionally close. If you care about someone (a family member, friend, partner, etc), it can be intensely difficult to watch them feel pain. For most of us, our reflex reaction to a loved one in pain is to try to alleviate the pain. Unfortunately, this may not include creating space to allow the feeling.
These two umbrellas of listening interference are universal. Sometimes all of us are too overwhelmed to listen well. Sometimes we are simply too close to make space to hear someone's pain. These realities are part of why we need therapy as a support option. However, even if you are overwhelmed or emotionally close, there are still some basic steps you can take to be a more compassionate, engaged listener.
1. Listen. This may seem like a tongue-in-cheek point, but I'm very serious about it. Try an experiment for me. The next time you're in a group, just hang back and try to follow the conversations around you. How often do you see someone who is able to fully describe their feelings or experiences without being interrupted? My guess is: not often. Most of the time, in an effort to convey support, we jump in--with an interpretation, a comparison, or a consolation. While the intent may be be good, the result is that we don't actually make space to listen to one another. Try to make enough space for someone to fully express themselves.
2. Don't project. I think that this is a common mistake that we've all made. In an effort to show that we "get it," we compare our own experiences to the person we're listening to. We look for ways to show them that we understand because we've had a similar experience. The problem with this is that we often make this leap without actually hearing the person's experience (back to step one). As a result, instead of feeling heard, they feel shut down and invalidated.
3. Validate. I know, this is kind of psychologist jargon. Let me explain what I mean. When we validate someone, we respect that they are having a unique personal experience. We respect that they (not us) are the expert on their experience. We respect that their experience may be different in duration or frequency than our similar experience. Basically, we show, through our words and actions that it is acceptable for them to have any feelings that they are having--they don't need to "clean them up" or "make them socially acceptable."
4. Demonstrate compassion. I think that this step trips some people up. When we are faced with someone in huge pain, our words feel inadequate. That's because, often, words ARE inadequate. So, instead of trying to find the "right" words, a clear, simple expression of compassion is the most useful. That can be, "I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad today." Or it could be, "It makes sense that you feel so overwhelmed by this." (And now, some readers are saying, "But I want to HELP!" Hang in there--step five is coming.)
5. Ask what is needed. One of the classic blunders that I see in listening/supporting is that we often make assumptions about what the person in pain needs. The problem with these assumptions is that we're often pretty far off base. Because of this, I am a huge fan of asking directly, "What do you need right now?" Sometimes I ask the question with a multiple choice format, "Do you need to just vent, or do you need me to distract you, or do you need a hug?" The simple act of asking what is needed reminds both you and the person you're listening to that THEY know their needs best.
I hope this overview begins to open some discussions on how we can all listen to one another in a more supportive way. I'd love to hear more from you. What would you add to the list? Any listening "dos & don'ts"?
I'm feeling so grateful to my growing Twitter community these days--they are a font of inspiration. After reading my posts on "When 'Helpful' Isn't," @janaejl1 suggested a "how-to" list for good listening. I loved that idea, so here is my stab at it!
First, let me explore my hypothesis on why we need a "how-to" list to begin with. I think that, as a culture, we get a "D" for our listening skills. I believe that this is particularly true when someone is discussing a painful subject. While there are many complicated reasons that people may not listen well, I think that all of the reasons tend to fall within two umbrellas:
1. Being overwhelmed. Sometimes a failure to listen reflects the tremendous pressure placed on us and on our time by our "try-to-do-it-all" lives. If your brain is on whether or not you turned on the crock-pot, filed that report properly AND paid the mortgage--you might not tune in enough to listen well. If you're struggling with your own stress or loss, you may not have the emotional energy to extend to someone else in pain. Most of us are coping with some degree of feeling overwhelmed.
2. Being too emotionally close. If you care about someone (a family member, friend, partner, etc), it can be intensely difficult to watch them feel pain. For most of us, our reflex reaction to a loved one in pain is to try to alleviate the pain. Unfortunately, this may not include creating space to allow the feeling.
These two umbrellas of listening interference are universal. Sometimes all of us are too overwhelmed to listen well. Sometimes we are simply too close to make space to hear someone's pain. These realities are part of why we need therapy as a support option. However, even if you are overwhelmed or emotionally close, there are still some basic steps you can take to be a more compassionate, engaged listener.
1. Listen. This may seem like a tongue-in-cheek point, but I'm very serious about it. Try an experiment for me. The next time you're in a group, just hang back and try to follow the conversations around you. How often do you see someone who is able to fully describe their feelings or experiences without being interrupted? My guess is: not often. Most of the time, in an effort to convey support, we jump in--with an interpretation, a comparison, or a consolation. While the intent may be be good, the result is that we don't actually make space to listen to one another. Try to make enough space for someone to fully express themselves.
2. Don't project. I think that this is a common mistake that we've all made. In an effort to show that we "get it," we compare our own experiences to the person we're listening to. We look for ways to show them that we understand because we've had a similar experience. The problem with this is that we often make this leap without actually hearing the person's experience (back to step one). As a result, instead of feeling heard, they feel shut down and invalidated.
3. Validate. I know, this is kind of psychologist jargon. Let me explain what I mean. When we validate someone, we respect that they are having a unique personal experience. We respect that they (not us) are the expert on their experience. We respect that their experience may be different in duration or frequency than our similar experience. Basically, we show, through our words and actions that it is acceptable for them to have any feelings that they are having--they don't need to "clean them up" or "make them socially acceptable."
4. Demonstrate compassion. I think that this step trips some people up. When we are faced with someone in huge pain, our words feel inadequate. That's because, often, words ARE inadequate. So, instead of trying to find the "right" words, a clear, simple expression of compassion is the most useful. That can be, "I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad today." Or it could be, "It makes sense that you feel so overwhelmed by this." (And now, some readers are saying, "But I want to HELP!" Hang in there--step five is coming.)
5. Ask what is needed. One of the classic blunders that I see in listening/supporting is that we often make assumptions about what the person in pain needs. The problem with these assumptions is that we're often pretty far off base. Because of this, I am a huge fan of asking directly, "What do you need right now?" Sometimes I ask the question with a multiple choice format, "Do you need to just vent, or do you need me to distract you, or do you need a hug?" The simple act of asking what is needed reminds both you and the person you're listening to that THEY know their needs best.
I hope this overview begins to open some discussions on how we can all listen to one another in a more supportive way. I'd love to hear more from you. What would you add to the list? Any listening "dos & don'ts"?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Mid-Week Balance
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Inspired by fantastic examples of at Nourishing the Soul and Medical Marzipan, I'm going to add a new section to the blog. On Wednesdays, I'm going to be offering up my favorite posts of the past week. I hope you enjoy the cross-section of amazing thinking that's out there!
"I Just Want to Be Sad, Okay?"--It seems appropriate that one of Ashley's thought-provoking articles from Nourishing the Soul makes my first list. She provides a challenging invitation reconsider the cultural imperative to try to be "always happy."
"Give Your Body a Vacation"--Mara from Medical Marzipan asks the question: what would a vacation for your body look like? Read the article--I'd love to know what your body vacation looks like.
"Am I Desensitized by Body Image News?"--Kendra at Voice in Recovery is routinely a powerful advocate of self-care and health. In this week's post, she asks us to think about how we may contribute to the barrage of negative body image messages by our own self-talk.
"Don't Live in Default Mode"--At Living the Balanced Life, Bernice Wood invites us to assess whether we're stuck in unproductive patterns.
"Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Negative Body Image"--At The Body and the Brood, Dana provides a thoughtful remedy for the negativity that Kendra challenged in her post.
I hope that this roundup of thoughts from talented, inspiring women helps your Wednesday feel like the launch-pad for a strong finish to the week.
Inspired by fantastic examples of at Nourishing the Soul and Medical Marzipan, I'm going to add a new section to the blog. On Wednesdays, I'm going to be offering up my favorite posts of the past week. I hope you enjoy the cross-section of amazing thinking that's out there!
"I Just Want to Be Sad, Okay?"--It seems appropriate that one of Ashley's thought-provoking articles from Nourishing the Soul makes my first list. She provides a challenging invitation reconsider the cultural imperative to try to be "always happy."
"Give Your Body a Vacation"--Mara from Medical Marzipan asks the question: what would a vacation for your body look like? Read the article--I'd love to know what your body vacation looks like.
"Am I Desensitized by Body Image News?"--Kendra at Voice in Recovery is routinely a powerful advocate of self-care and health. In this week's post, she asks us to think about how we may contribute to the barrage of negative body image messages by our own self-talk.
"Don't Live in Default Mode"--At Living the Balanced Life, Bernice Wood invites us to assess whether we're stuck in unproductive patterns.
"Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Negative Body Image"--At The Body and the Brood, Dana provides a thoughtful remedy for the negativity that Kendra challenged in her post.
I hope that this roundup of thoughts from talented, inspiring women helps your Wednesday feel like the launch-pad for a strong finish to the week.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Self-Care 101: Addressing Self-Talk
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One of the most wonderful things about my job is that I get to come into contact with amazing, compassionate, giving people--every day. My clients tend to be people who are very invested in making the world a better place. They care about the impact that they have on others, and are incredibly open to learning better ways to communicate and express that caring.
One of the issues that I regularly struggle with in my job is that these same amazing, compassionate, giving people treat themselves like dirt. They use language when talking about themselves that they would never consider using toward someone else. Here's a very small sample of what I hear on a regular basis:
* "I'm so stupid."
* "I'm disgusting."
* "I fail, no matter how hard I try."
* "I don't deserve people who care about me."
* "I'm an idiot."
* "I am not worthy time (or energy, or attention, or love).
On the one hand, I am floored that people who have so much compassion for others have such vitriol for themselves. On the other hand, I recognize that I have used language like this toward myself too. Somehow, we have gotten into the habit of viewing ourselves as "less than" and deserving of such self-punishing statements.
I believe that this tendency isn't an accident. I think that it is a combination of social factors, messages that we misunderstood, and challenges with shame and genuineness.
Social Factors
We live in a society that bombards us with messages about how we aren't measuring up: our bodies aren't measuring up, our sexual capability isn't measuring up, our parenting isn't measuring up . . . just take a look at the magazines in a checkout line. Criticism is packaged as tough love. Confident women are labeled "conceited" or "bitchy." And there are industries that benefit when we buy into these messages (e.g. diet, cosmetics, fashion, etc.). A huge chunk of our spending is focused on trying to get "good enough." I think that this barrage of messages about our failings takes a toll.
Misunderstood Messages
I think there is a challenging balance when children start to learn about self-language. Many parents and educators work to help children cultivate awareness of others and compassion for their experiences. This is incredibly important. However, in our effort to teach children to think about the experiences of others, we may inadvertently send the message that those experiences are more important than the child's own experience. This can lead to the feeling that your own feelings and needs are secondary to the feelings and needs of others. Over time, that message can lead to a sense that you don't deserve to have your feelings respected or your needs met.
Challenges with Shame and Genuine Self-Expression
This factor may be the most important contributor to the kinds of hurtful self-talk that I have experienced in my own head and that my clients express daily. The language and experience of shame is deeply embedded in our culture. My appreciation for the depth and breadth of our shame experiences was tremendously enhanced by Brene Brown's powerful work on Shame Resilience. She describes that work in her book "I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn't)", which I will review in a later post. One of the most powerful take-aways that I got from reading her work was the idea that shame regularly interferes with our authentic expression of self. If we aren't expressing our true selves, it is difficult for us to develop confidence in our own value.
Sound Familiar???
If you have been reading this post and nodding your head, or if the short list of self-slamming statements sounded painfully familiar, then it may be time for a change. Our self-talk is the foundation of strong self-care. If we are bombarding ourselves with negative messages about our value, it is tough to commit to carving out time for exercise, meditation, reading, or any of the other activities that fill us up and nurture our bodies and souls.
So, if this post feels like I've been snooping in your head, then it's time to take action. Here are a few initial steps:
1. Assess your self-talk. Use a thought journal, notes on your phone or an old-fashioned "tick-list" to begin to increase your awareness of how frequently you are engaging in negative self-talk.
2. Challenge the negative. If you start to notice a pattern of negative self-talk, choose one of the most frequent negative thoughts and look for exceptions. For example, if your most common self-slam is "I'm so stupid," be active in noticing how you solve problems, display competency at work, provide what your friends or family need. Gather evidence to argue back.
3. Notice your feelings. Negative self-talk tends to spike when we feel shame, fear, or anxiety. It can create a vicious cycle of increased emotion, more negativity, etc. If you are noticing this, try breaking the cycle by naming those feelings without judgment.
4. Practice compassion. As you notice negative self-talk or difficult emotions, try extending yourself some compassion. Imagine that you are caring for a friend or loved one. Don't add to the negativity by blaming yourself for these patterns. We've all struggled with negative self-talk.
5. Add some positive energy. Be an active agent in trying to identify your own successes. Create some momentum around positive self-talk. It make take practice to feel comfortable with this, but our negative self-talk is not a reflection of our full self. Positive self-talk is not disingenuous--it's simply allowing yourself to see the full picture of your own value.
If you try some of these strategies, and you're still feeling stuck, it might be time to reach out for additional support.
What has been your most challenging piece of negative self-talk? What has been most helpful to you in shifting your self-language to the side of compassion and respect?
If this article connected for you, you may want to check out some of the current research on self-compassion, as highlighted in this article from the Wildmind Buddhist Meditation blog.
One of the most wonderful things about my job is that I get to come into contact with amazing, compassionate, giving people--every day. My clients tend to be people who are very invested in making the world a better place. They care about the impact that they have on others, and are incredibly open to learning better ways to communicate and express that caring.
One of the issues that I regularly struggle with in my job is that these same amazing, compassionate, giving people treat themselves like dirt. They use language when talking about themselves that they would never consider using toward someone else. Here's a very small sample of what I hear on a regular basis:
* "I'm so stupid."
* "I'm disgusting."
* "I fail, no matter how hard I try."
* "I don't deserve people who care about me."
* "I'm an idiot."
* "I am not worthy time (or energy, or attention, or love).
On the one hand, I am floored that people who have so much compassion for others have such vitriol for themselves. On the other hand, I recognize that I have used language like this toward myself too. Somehow, we have gotten into the habit of viewing ourselves as "less than" and deserving of such self-punishing statements.
I believe that this tendency isn't an accident. I think that it is a combination of social factors, messages that we misunderstood, and challenges with shame and genuineness.
Social Factors
We live in a society that bombards us with messages about how we aren't measuring up: our bodies aren't measuring up, our sexual capability isn't measuring up, our parenting isn't measuring up . . . just take a look at the magazines in a checkout line. Criticism is packaged as tough love. Confident women are labeled "conceited" or "bitchy." And there are industries that benefit when we buy into these messages (e.g. diet, cosmetics, fashion, etc.). A huge chunk of our spending is focused on trying to get "good enough." I think that this barrage of messages about our failings takes a toll.
Misunderstood Messages
I think there is a challenging balance when children start to learn about self-language. Many parents and educators work to help children cultivate awareness of others and compassion for their experiences. This is incredibly important. However, in our effort to teach children to think about the experiences of others, we may inadvertently send the message that those experiences are more important than the child's own experience. This can lead to the feeling that your own feelings and needs are secondary to the feelings and needs of others. Over time, that message can lead to a sense that you don't deserve to have your feelings respected or your needs met.
Challenges with Shame and Genuine Self-Expression
This factor may be the most important contributor to the kinds of hurtful self-talk that I have experienced in my own head and that my clients express daily. The language and experience of shame is deeply embedded in our culture. My appreciation for the depth and breadth of our shame experiences was tremendously enhanced by Brene Brown's powerful work on Shame Resilience. She describes that work in her book "I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn't)", which I will review in a later post. One of the most powerful take-aways that I got from reading her work was the idea that shame regularly interferes with our authentic expression of self. If we aren't expressing our true selves, it is difficult for us to develop confidence in our own value.
Sound Familiar???
If you have been reading this post and nodding your head, or if the short list of self-slamming statements sounded painfully familiar, then it may be time for a change. Our self-talk is the foundation of strong self-care. If we are bombarding ourselves with negative messages about our value, it is tough to commit to carving out time for exercise, meditation, reading, or any of the other activities that fill us up and nurture our bodies and souls.
So, if this post feels like I've been snooping in your head, then it's time to take action. Here are a few initial steps:
1. Assess your self-talk. Use a thought journal, notes on your phone or an old-fashioned "tick-list" to begin to increase your awareness of how frequently you are engaging in negative self-talk.
2. Challenge the negative. If you start to notice a pattern of negative self-talk, choose one of the most frequent negative thoughts and look for exceptions. For example, if your most common self-slam is "I'm so stupid," be active in noticing how you solve problems, display competency at work, provide what your friends or family need. Gather evidence to argue back.
3. Notice your feelings. Negative self-talk tends to spike when we feel shame, fear, or anxiety. It can create a vicious cycle of increased emotion, more negativity, etc. If you are noticing this, try breaking the cycle by naming those feelings without judgment.
4. Practice compassion. As you notice negative self-talk or difficult emotions, try extending yourself some compassion. Imagine that you are caring for a friend or loved one. Don't add to the negativity by blaming yourself for these patterns. We've all struggled with negative self-talk.
5. Add some positive energy. Be an active agent in trying to identify your own successes. Create some momentum around positive self-talk. It make take practice to feel comfortable with this, but our negative self-talk is not a reflection of our full self. Positive self-talk is not disingenuous--it's simply allowing yourself to see the full picture of your own value.
If you try some of these strategies, and you're still feeling stuck, it might be time to reach out for additional support.
What has been your most challenging piece of negative self-talk? What has been most helpful to you in shifting your self-language to the side of compassion and respect?
If this article connected for you, you may want to check out some of the current research on self-compassion, as highlighted in this article from the Wildmind Buddhist Meditation blog.
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