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While this week's Mid-Week Balance is just as eclectic as last week's, I've chosen posts that all speak to the theme of regaining your voice. There are several different takes on this, and maybe some of the authors would be surprised to see their posts in that category, but that's how they scanned to me. I hope that you find something in this line-up that inspires you to free your own voice and let it sing out in the world.
First up, a post from Amy Jussel of the powerful media literacy blog Shaping Youth. This post is designed to help parents feel empowered to help their children cope with adult bullies, but I think that there are great resources for all of us to regain a sense of power when faced with dismissive, unkind, or hurtful behavior. As a bonus, she included at the end two YouTube clips. The first is of a beautiful, brave 8th grader named Alye, as she speaks out against her own bullies. The second is a song written in response to Alye's post. Taken together, these clips are a lovely example of how technology can connect and strengthen us. Here it is: "Tips for Handling a Real-Life 'Sue Sylvester from Glee'"
Pete Michaud says that, "My mission is to inspire people to think clearly, to live deliberately, to conquer fear and embrace possibility, to express beauty, and to love completely." In this short and powerful essay, he asks us to take a step back from the quest to fix ourselves and consider refocusing our energy on embracing our journey and focusing our growth. My favorite line from this essay is this: "But you and I are not really a series of shortcomings. We are perfect and complete." I hope you enjoy this challenging take on: "Positive Psychology"
Tara Sophia Mohr of the Wise Living blog did a guest post for me last month. This week, she shares a blog post that asks how and why so many of us, even if we had the advantages of growing up in loving, safe homes, experience painful and sometimes crippling self-doubt. The post contains some interesting links to research that might lead to more understanding of how we have lost our voices (and how we reclaim them): "What Happened?"
If you read this long enough, or follow my Twitter feed, you'll know that Medical Marzipan is one of the blogs that I regularly share, because I appreciate Mara's voice and perspective. This week, she had guest bloggers from the Beauty Redefined. The reason that I chose this post to include in my "voice" roundup is that I think that we frequently feel silenced and outvoted by the media that we are awash in. I appreciate the reminder that we do have some power. "How do we fight back? By recognizing we’re in a fight, first off. And we truly are." In this piece, we're reminded that our voices do have a place in coping with media, and that we have the right--and the responsibility--to share them: "The Unrealistic Nature of Media Images and Fighting Back"
Leo Babauta's Zen Habits blog is new to me (but not to the 200,000+ people who already follow him). You may be seeing his voice in Mid-Week Balance a lot, because his writing is a fit for my goals here. This post really grabbed me this week. At first blush, it might seem an odd choice for a "voice" line-up, but stay with me. The post explores handling criticism. Read it first and just soak it up. Then read it again and consider using the same technique with your own inner critic. Imagine what would shift if you respectfully considered whether the harsh voice of that inner critic was actually valid. Imagine the change possible if your inner critic was gracefully incorporated as a productive member of the chorus in your head. Just try it out for me: "The Art of Handling Criticism Gracefully"
I learned a lot this week, and found challenges in some new and unexpected places. Please feel free to use the comments to share your own thoughts on finding your voice--and to share other great voice resources.
Showing posts with label self-talk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-talk. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Focusing on What We Have: An Exercise in Building Gratitude
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I don't know how many of my readers have spent time with small children, but I have done a lot of that recently, and it is giving me some interesting insights into the world. Here's a phenomenon that struck a strong chord with me.
A child is playing happily, focused on the toy in their hands. In the room are other toys, many of which have been ignored by this child for days or weeks. And then a second child enters the room and picks up one of the ignored toys. As soon as the second child's hands touch the toy, the first child (who, let's remember, was happy moments ago) is in immediate distress. "Why can't I have that one?" "We need another one." Their initial happiness is completely forgotten, lost in the longing for "something else."
It would be easy to brush this off as a childish issue. Point out developmental milestones, wonder secretly if these were really spoiled children. But here's the deal. I see this with adults all the time. "Why does she get a partner and I am alone?" "Why does he have a good job and I'm stuck in this one?" "Why can't my house/car/clothes be as nice as hers?" "Why can't I be taller/thinner/curvier/more muscular?" Sound familiar?
I am not sure what the reason for this hyper-focus on the experiences or possessions of others is. Maybe it is because of our media-soaked consumer culture. Or maybe it is because many of us are struggling with insecurity that we try to mask by focusing on what others have. Regardless of why it happens, the experience of focusing on what we don't have is a common thread for many of my clients. I know that it is an experience I have had.
Here's the problem. When what we notice is what others have, we are constantly in a state of loss, absence, & longing. The focus on others and their situations means that we are not experiencing our own lives. We are missing the joys and blessings that are mixed in with our challenges.
The irony of this is that, right this minute, someone is looking at us and thinking, "Why can't I have what she has?" Someone is focusing on our life and missing their own.
So, I invite you to try an experiment with me. When you're done reading this post, spend 1-10 minutes focusing exclusively on what you have. That might be a job, a friend, a pet, a book, the ability to walk or run without pain . . . the list is endless. I know that if you are reading this post from a place of pain, I'm asking you to do something challenging. I believe in you. You don't need to be thrilled with your whole life. Just look for one thing that you have--right now. Celebrate it. Focus on it. For this couple of minutes, let it define your attitude.
Try repeating this for a week--at least one minute per day. Feel free to check back with me in the comments, on Twitter or on Facebook. I hope that you find yourself in a place of deeper calm and self-appreciation.
I don't know how many of my readers have spent time with small children, but I have done a lot of that recently, and it is giving me some interesting insights into the world. Here's a phenomenon that struck a strong chord with me.
A child is playing happily, focused on the toy in their hands. In the room are other toys, many of which have been ignored by this child for days or weeks. And then a second child enters the room and picks up one of the ignored toys. As soon as the second child's hands touch the toy, the first child (who, let's remember, was happy moments ago) is in immediate distress. "Why can't I have that one?" "We need another one." Their initial happiness is completely forgotten, lost in the longing for "something else."
It would be easy to brush this off as a childish issue. Point out developmental milestones, wonder secretly if these were really spoiled children. But here's the deal. I see this with adults all the time. "Why does she get a partner and I am alone?" "Why does he have a good job and I'm stuck in this one?" "Why can't my house/car/clothes be as nice as hers?" "Why can't I be taller/thinner/curvier/more muscular?" Sound familiar?
I am not sure what the reason for this hyper-focus on the experiences or possessions of others is. Maybe it is because of our media-soaked consumer culture. Or maybe it is because many of us are struggling with insecurity that we try to mask by focusing on what others have. Regardless of why it happens, the experience of focusing on what we don't have is a common thread for many of my clients. I know that it is an experience I have had.
Here's the problem. When what we notice is what others have, we are constantly in a state of loss, absence, & longing. The focus on others and their situations means that we are not experiencing our own lives. We are missing the joys and blessings that are mixed in with our challenges.
The irony of this is that, right this minute, someone is looking at us and thinking, "Why can't I have what she has?" Someone is focusing on our life and missing their own.
So, I invite you to try an experiment with me. When you're done reading this post, spend 1-10 minutes focusing exclusively on what you have. That might be a job, a friend, a pet, a book, the ability to walk or run without pain . . . the list is endless. I know that if you are reading this post from a place of pain, I'm asking you to do something challenging. I believe in you. You don't need to be thrilled with your whole life. Just look for one thing that you have--right now. Celebrate it. Focus on it. For this couple of minutes, let it define your attitude.
Try repeating this for a week--at least one minute per day. Feel free to check back with me in the comments, on Twitter or on Facebook. I hope that you find yourself in a place of deeper calm and self-appreciation.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Self-Care 101: Addressing Self-Talk
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One of the most wonderful things about my job is that I get to come into contact with amazing, compassionate, giving people--every day. My clients tend to be people who are very invested in making the world a better place. They care about the impact that they have on others, and are incredibly open to learning better ways to communicate and express that caring.
One of the issues that I regularly struggle with in my job is that these same amazing, compassionate, giving people treat themselves like dirt. They use language when talking about themselves that they would never consider using toward someone else. Here's a very small sample of what I hear on a regular basis:
* "I'm so stupid."
* "I'm disgusting."
* "I fail, no matter how hard I try."
* "I don't deserve people who care about me."
* "I'm an idiot."
* "I am not worthy time (or energy, or attention, or love).
On the one hand, I am floored that people who have so much compassion for others have such vitriol for themselves. On the other hand, I recognize that I have used language like this toward myself too. Somehow, we have gotten into the habit of viewing ourselves as "less than" and deserving of such self-punishing statements.
I believe that this tendency isn't an accident. I think that it is a combination of social factors, messages that we misunderstood, and challenges with shame and genuineness.
Social Factors
We live in a society that bombards us with messages about how we aren't measuring up: our bodies aren't measuring up, our sexual capability isn't measuring up, our parenting isn't measuring up . . . just take a look at the magazines in a checkout line. Criticism is packaged as tough love. Confident women are labeled "conceited" or "bitchy." And there are industries that benefit when we buy into these messages (e.g. diet, cosmetics, fashion, etc.). A huge chunk of our spending is focused on trying to get "good enough." I think that this barrage of messages about our failings takes a toll.
Misunderstood Messages
I think there is a challenging balance when children start to learn about self-language. Many parents and educators work to help children cultivate awareness of others and compassion for their experiences. This is incredibly important. However, in our effort to teach children to think about the experiences of others, we may inadvertently send the message that those experiences are more important than the child's own experience. This can lead to the feeling that your own feelings and needs are secondary to the feelings and needs of others. Over time, that message can lead to a sense that you don't deserve to have your feelings respected or your needs met.
Challenges with Shame and Genuine Self-Expression
This factor may be the most important contributor to the kinds of hurtful self-talk that I have experienced in my own head and that my clients express daily. The language and experience of shame is deeply embedded in our culture. My appreciation for the depth and breadth of our shame experiences was tremendously enhanced by Brene Brown's powerful work on Shame Resilience. She describes that work in her book "I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn't)", which I will review in a later post. One of the most powerful take-aways that I got from reading her work was the idea that shame regularly interferes with our authentic expression of self. If we aren't expressing our true selves, it is difficult for us to develop confidence in our own value.
Sound Familiar???
If you have been reading this post and nodding your head, or if the short list of self-slamming statements sounded painfully familiar, then it may be time for a change. Our self-talk is the foundation of strong self-care. If we are bombarding ourselves with negative messages about our value, it is tough to commit to carving out time for exercise, meditation, reading, or any of the other activities that fill us up and nurture our bodies and souls.
So, if this post feels like I've been snooping in your head, then it's time to take action. Here are a few initial steps:
1. Assess your self-talk. Use a thought journal, notes on your phone or an old-fashioned "tick-list" to begin to increase your awareness of how frequently you are engaging in negative self-talk.
2. Challenge the negative. If you start to notice a pattern of negative self-talk, choose one of the most frequent negative thoughts and look for exceptions. For example, if your most common self-slam is "I'm so stupid," be active in noticing how you solve problems, display competency at work, provide what your friends or family need. Gather evidence to argue back.
3. Notice your feelings. Negative self-talk tends to spike when we feel shame, fear, or anxiety. It can create a vicious cycle of increased emotion, more negativity, etc. If you are noticing this, try breaking the cycle by naming those feelings without judgment.
4. Practice compassion. As you notice negative self-talk or difficult emotions, try extending yourself some compassion. Imagine that you are caring for a friend or loved one. Don't add to the negativity by blaming yourself for these patterns. We've all struggled with negative self-talk.
5. Add some positive energy. Be an active agent in trying to identify your own successes. Create some momentum around positive self-talk. It make take practice to feel comfortable with this, but our negative self-talk is not a reflection of our full self. Positive self-talk is not disingenuous--it's simply allowing yourself to see the full picture of your own value.
If you try some of these strategies, and you're still feeling stuck, it might be time to reach out for additional support.
What has been your most challenging piece of negative self-talk? What has been most helpful to you in shifting your self-language to the side of compassion and respect?
If this article connected for you, you may want to check out some of the current research on self-compassion, as highlighted in this article from the Wildmind Buddhist Meditation blog.
One of the most wonderful things about my job is that I get to come into contact with amazing, compassionate, giving people--every day. My clients tend to be people who are very invested in making the world a better place. They care about the impact that they have on others, and are incredibly open to learning better ways to communicate and express that caring.
One of the issues that I regularly struggle with in my job is that these same amazing, compassionate, giving people treat themselves like dirt. They use language when talking about themselves that they would never consider using toward someone else. Here's a very small sample of what I hear on a regular basis:
* "I'm so stupid."
* "I'm disgusting."
* "I fail, no matter how hard I try."
* "I don't deserve people who care about me."
* "I'm an idiot."
* "I am not worthy time (or energy, or attention, or love).
On the one hand, I am floored that people who have so much compassion for others have such vitriol for themselves. On the other hand, I recognize that I have used language like this toward myself too. Somehow, we have gotten into the habit of viewing ourselves as "less than" and deserving of such self-punishing statements.
I believe that this tendency isn't an accident. I think that it is a combination of social factors, messages that we misunderstood, and challenges with shame and genuineness.
Social Factors
We live in a society that bombards us with messages about how we aren't measuring up: our bodies aren't measuring up, our sexual capability isn't measuring up, our parenting isn't measuring up . . . just take a look at the magazines in a checkout line. Criticism is packaged as tough love. Confident women are labeled "conceited" or "bitchy." And there are industries that benefit when we buy into these messages (e.g. diet, cosmetics, fashion, etc.). A huge chunk of our spending is focused on trying to get "good enough." I think that this barrage of messages about our failings takes a toll.
Misunderstood Messages
I think there is a challenging balance when children start to learn about self-language. Many parents and educators work to help children cultivate awareness of others and compassion for their experiences. This is incredibly important. However, in our effort to teach children to think about the experiences of others, we may inadvertently send the message that those experiences are more important than the child's own experience. This can lead to the feeling that your own feelings and needs are secondary to the feelings and needs of others. Over time, that message can lead to a sense that you don't deserve to have your feelings respected or your needs met.
Challenges with Shame and Genuine Self-Expression
This factor may be the most important contributor to the kinds of hurtful self-talk that I have experienced in my own head and that my clients express daily. The language and experience of shame is deeply embedded in our culture. My appreciation for the depth and breadth of our shame experiences was tremendously enhanced by Brene Brown's powerful work on Shame Resilience. She describes that work in her book "I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn't)", which I will review in a later post. One of the most powerful take-aways that I got from reading her work was the idea that shame regularly interferes with our authentic expression of self. If we aren't expressing our true selves, it is difficult for us to develop confidence in our own value.
Sound Familiar???
If you have been reading this post and nodding your head, or if the short list of self-slamming statements sounded painfully familiar, then it may be time for a change. Our self-talk is the foundation of strong self-care. If we are bombarding ourselves with negative messages about our value, it is tough to commit to carving out time for exercise, meditation, reading, or any of the other activities that fill us up and nurture our bodies and souls.
So, if this post feels like I've been snooping in your head, then it's time to take action. Here are a few initial steps:
1. Assess your self-talk. Use a thought journal, notes on your phone or an old-fashioned "tick-list" to begin to increase your awareness of how frequently you are engaging in negative self-talk.
2. Challenge the negative. If you start to notice a pattern of negative self-talk, choose one of the most frequent negative thoughts and look for exceptions. For example, if your most common self-slam is "I'm so stupid," be active in noticing how you solve problems, display competency at work, provide what your friends or family need. Gather evidence to argue back.
3. Notice your feelings. Negative self-talk tends to spike when we feel shame, fear, or anxiety. It can create a vicious cycle of increased emotion, more negativity, etc. If you are noticing this, try breaking the cycle by naming those feelings without judgment.
4. Practice compassion. As you notice negative self-talk or difficult emotions, try extending yourself some compassion. Imagine that you are caring for a friend or loved one. Don't add to the negativity by blaming yourself for these patterns. We've all struggled with negative self-talk.
5. Add some positive energy. Be an active agent in trying to identify your own successes. Create some momentum around positive self-talk. It make take practice to feel comfortable with this, but our negative self-talk is not a reflection of our full self. Positive self-talk is not disingenuous--it's simply allowing yourself to see the full picture of your own value.
If you try some of these strategies, and you're still feeling stuck, it might be time to reach out for additional support.
What has been your most challenging piece of negative self-talk? What has been most helpful to you in shifting your self-language to the side of compassion and respect?
If this article connected for you, you may want to check out some of the current research on self-compassion, as highlighted in this article from the Wildmind Buddhist Meditation blog.
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