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I want to you to take a moment and think about a moment in life when you were hurting. Did you hear anything like this offered as support or comfort?
* Everything happens for a reason.
* This is part of a bigger plan.
* You can have another baby (get married again, apply for another job, etc).
* You just need to think positive.
* It will feel better tomorrow.
I could go on and on. My guess is that anyone reading this who has experienced a major loss or disappointment has heard at least one of the above statements, or things that sound just like them. These statements represent a sample of the things that people say as a response to pain or loss. It's not unusual for these statements to come from someone who is very close to you, someone that you thought you could count on for support. As you think about your loss and the responses you experienced, try to remember how you felt after those responses. Did you feel heard? Supported? Dismissed? Invalidated?
While responses like the sample statements above may be intended to convey support, or to help us think beyond our pain, that's not how they often feel. Many people who are in pain feel dismissed or unheard when they receive these sorts of responses. Whey they describe their experiences to me in session, they report these feelings with some degree of confusion. Why does a response that is intended to be helpful feel so unhelpful?
I believe that the there are two primary reasons that these types of responses feel unhelpful. The first is that they are generalized. They do not acknowledge the uniqueness of our experiences. So being told that "everyone goes through this" may feel dismissive. The second is that these types of responses function as a signal that the person in pain should contain themselves. They do not create a space where any of the grief feelings are acceptable. These types of responses do not validate and normalize feelings of pain. So, if these responses aren't genuinely helpful, why are they so persistent?
There are several reasons for this. The first is that many people feel overwhelmed or helpless in the face of intense pain or loss. So they respond with a platitude. This is not a lack of caring--it's simply a reflection of the respondent's own discomfort with pain. I touched on this issue briefly in my post on "What Makes Therapy Different?"
The second reason that a friend or acquaintance may respond to pain or grief with an unhelpful generalized response is their own internal load. If someone is feeling rushed or pressured or overwhelmed, they often function on auto-pilot when faced with another's pain.
When an "unhelpful" response to pain or loss comes from someone that cares for us, it is most often a reflection of their own pain. It is incredibly hard to watch someone that you love be in pain. Most of us have a strong urge to try to decrease the intensity of the pain. While that urge is understandable, it is important not to respond in dismissive ways.
So, if the most common responses to pain or loss are actually unhelpful, what can we do to respond with support and validation? Here are a few basic suggestions:
1. Listen. Don't jump in, don't try to console, don't try to help the person in pain see the "bright side." Just listen, and create a safe space for their feelings.
2. Ask questions. Sometimes a person in pain needs or wants a distraction. Sometimes they want permission to just get some of their experience out in the open. By asking questions, you give them space to define their needs.
3. Be aware of your own limits. If someone's pain is more intense than you can handle, encourage them to reach out to a psychologist or other additional support.
4. Did I mention listen??
How about you? What was the most helpful response you received during a time of pain? What was the least helpful?
Showing posts with label complicated grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label complicated grief. Show all posts
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A Response to "Rethinking Grief"
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In this recent article, the author explores a new book by Ruth Davis Konisberg, "The Truth About Grief: The Myth of Its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss."
There are several points made in the article that I absolutely agree with. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grieving (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are now widely embedded in our cultural understanding discussion of grief. Even folks who have never heard of Kubler-Ross use those terms and the idea of "grief stages" to discuss grief and loss. And I agree with both Ms Konisberg and the article's author that there is very little empirical support for the idea of discrete "grief stages" that are moved through in a clear, easily identifiable manner.
Like Ms Konisberg, I believe that the concept of clearly defined "grief stages" can actually make grieving feel more challenging for those whose grief doesn't follow the Kubler-Ross model. When I work with clients, we talk about the common emotional components of grief (sadness, anger, confusion, loss, loneliness, etc). We discuss the fact that many people experience grief emotions more than once in their grief process. And finally, we talk about the fact that each person's experience of grief is distinct and unique.
Finally, I agree with Ms Konisberg's premise that grief is a natural human experience. I believe that most people experience and process grief without the need of additional support and intervention. I think that identifying and supporting our strength and capability for resilience is critical to our emotional health.
I did have one significant reservation as I read the article and explored Ms Konisberg's book. There is a mention of complicated grief, such as might be experienced after suicide, loss of a child, compound losses, etc. However, I was concerned that individuals with complicated grief may feel disempowered by the suggestion that grief is a relatively quick process.
I think that the central tenet that grief is deeply individual, not responding to any prescribed formula is an important take-away. I hope that readers whose grief is not "quick", are able to hear that their grief is valid and not necessarily unhealthy.
What have your grief experiences been? What was the best support you received? What support felt least helpful? Is there a resource that you wish had been available during your grieving?
In this recent article, the author explores a new book by Ruth Davis Konisberg, "The Truth About Grief: The Myth of Its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss."
There are several points made in the article that I absolutely agree with. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grieving (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are now widely embedded in our cultural understanding discussion of grief. Even folks who have never heard of Kubler-Ross use those terms and the idea of "grief stages" to discuss grief and loss. And I agree with both Ms Konisberg and the article's author that there is very little empirical support for the idea of discrete "grief stages" that are moved through in a clear, easily identifiable manner.
Like Ms Konisberg, I believe that the concept of clearly defined "grief stages" can actually make grieving feel more challenging for those whose grief doesn't follow the Kubler-Ross model. When I work with clients, we talk about the common emotional components of grief (sadness, anger, confusion, loss, loneliness, etc). We discuss the fact that many people experience grief emotions more than once in their grief process. And finally, we talk about the fact that each person's experience of grief is distinct and unique.
Finally, I agree with Ms Konisberg's premise that grief is a natural human experience. I believe that most people experience and process grief without the need of additional support and intervention. I think that identifying and supporting our strength and capability for resilience is critical to our emotional health.
I did have one significant reservation as I read the article and explored Ms Konisberg's book. There is a mention of complicated grief, such as might be experienced after suicide, loss of a child, compound losses, etc. However, I was concerned that individuals with complicated grief may feel disempowered by the suggestion that grief is a relatively quick process.
I think that the central tenet that grief is deeply individual, not responding to any prescribed formula is an important take-away. I hope that readers whose grief is not "quick", are able to hear that their grief is valid and not necessarily unhealthy.
What have your grief experiences been? What was the best support you received? What support felt least helpful? Is there a resource that you wish had been available during your grieving?
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