Mid-Week Balance--18 May 2011

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In honor of Mental Health Month, this edition of Mid-Week Balance is dedicated to the Mental Health Blog party, sponsored by the American Psychological Association (APA). This edition is also my own recognition that sometimes our goals get off track (my goal is that MWB gets published each Wednesday), but that is not a reason in itself to walk away from the intention of the goal. Each of the posts I selected this week is around the theme of persistence, of facing challenge, of letting go of our attachment to doing it "just right." This collection includes some familiar voices, as well as some new ones.

I have featured Kendra of Voice in Recovery before. She does a fantastic job of providing advocacy and support for those struggling through the experience of an eating disorder. I believe that her post this week on exploring what we may need to let go of is applicable to nearly all of us. I appreciate the way that she went through some of her own beliefs and then re-framed them in a more caring, self-supportive way.

Pete Michaud's voice is another regular one here at MWB. This week, he did a fantastic job of exploring the difference between focusing on actions versus focusing on outcomes. Pete argues that we don't have total control over the outcomes we experience, but we do have control over the actions we take. This mental shift feels pretty empowering to me.

Seth Godin's voice is monumental in the social media and business world. I follow Seth's Blog for inspiration in my own business, and because I appreciate how well he delivers great stuff in small packages. This week, he invited his readers to consider the possibility that our ability to fail is an overlooked privilege. Read this one and think it over!

Denise of the Just Let Go blog started writing as a tool for her own self-exploration and accountability in her journey to change her relationship with her body in loving ways. Many of her posts are journal-entry style. This post, exploring a moment of feeling in transition, captured something that I frequently explore with clients. She does a lovely job of articulating the reality that many of our coping skills, which evolved to protect us from earlier life situations, can become hurtful when our situations change. This post might need more than one read to soak it all in.

Rosie Molinary is another regular--in fact I included one of her posts last week too. Since she keeps writing great stuff, I'm going to keep pointing you in her direction. This week, as she writes about the need for innovation in our lives and in our work, Rosie does a lovely job of illustrating how we talk ourselves out of challenge, how we keep ourselves busy but stagnant. Read this for a caring challenge of your status quo.

I hope that as you read these, you're inspired and empowered. If you know of something great that I missed, please feel free to share it in the comments.

The Courage of Everyday Living

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I got rear-ended this week (fortunately all the damage was to the car and not to the people). The driver was uninsured, the car they hit has been in our family for barely three months. To say that this is a pain in the rear is an enourmous understatement. And I noticed that my self-talk after the accident included thoughts like this: "Maybe I should have just stayed home, because then none of this would have happened." and "It's so unfair that they chose to drive without insurance--I was following the rules!"

What I really meant by that was, "Maybe if I lived in total cloistered isolation, I'd be safe from the random accidents and bad stuff that can happen out there in the world, because playing by the rules doesn't seem to keep me safe." I hear variations of this from my clients on a regular basis. I hear this theme about the past: "If I hadn't taken a chance on that relationship, I wouldn't be hurt right now." or "If I hadn't tried for that job, I never would have had to deal with this difficult boss." I hear the same thing about the future: "I don't know if I should reach out to that person/apply to that college/take charge of my health because I'm not sure that it will work out."

The difficult reality that I have to confront for myself, and that I often invite clients to confront with me, is that we don't get any guarantees. Each of us is going to face challenges and experience loss--even if we "play by the rules" or "do everything right. There is a lot of pain out there, and it doesn't appear to follow any rules of "fair" or "right." And there is not much that we can do to control when or how we experience life's "random bad stuff" whether it's a car accident, a tornado, or a heartbreak.

For most of us, this is a hard reality to accept. The idea that we can't fully protect ourselves from bad stuff is frustrating, and sometimes frightening. It's no surprise that our frustration and fear result in self-talk that encourages us to "play it safe," "hide out," or "avoid risks." This is the kind of self-talk that prevents us from taking risks in relationships, pursuing jobs that are fulfilling, and following our dreams. It is the kind of self-talk that limits us in the name of trying to protect us. And for many of us, this fear-based self-talk is pretty persuasive. After all, it offers the promise of avoiding pain by avoiding risk. Especially if you have recently experienced a loss (or a rear-ending!).

But the idea that we can protect ourselves by simply not taking risks is false. When we avoid risk in order to try to "stay safe," we are creating small, un-fulfilling lives for ourselves. We're letting our potential go untapped. We're missing chances for rewarding relationships. The reality of this false safety is isolation--which is truly harmful.

So today, I want to recognize each of you who had the courage to get up this morning, leave the house, connect genuinely with another person, learn something new, apply for a job, plan a trip--to live life. Everyday living takes continuous choices, which require continuous courage. And after a setback or a loss, the choice to engage in the activities of everyday living requires a higher level of courage.

If you're struggling with this courage, there is all kinds of great support out there. Call a psychologist, talk to a friend, connect with an online support group. You're not alone in your fear, and there is room to grow and change.

This morning, I got in the car and drove again. What brave everyday living activity have you done recently? Please share so that we can cheer you on!