Tweet
I'm guessing if I say "one of those days," you'll know what I mean. One of those days where it feels like you're trying to coordinate troop movements to get out of the house. One of those days when that meeting you were sure was at 2 is actually at 1. One of those days where the car needs a $500 brake job. One of those days where if your head weren't physically attached, it too would be gone (along with your keys, that paper you needed to fax, and your phone).
I think that it's probably safe for me to assume that most of us have had "one of those days." I know that I have. In fact, sometimes "those days" can feel as though they have stretched out to include a week, a month, or more. No matter what you do, it seems like you are always two steps behind. No matter how hard you push, it feels like you're spinning your wheels (and maybe throwing mud everywhere too--one more job to add to the "to do" list).
Today's post is my reminder to you (and me too), that there are ways that you can regain some traction when you're in the middle of "those days." Here are some of the tools that I teach my clients, and use myself, to help make it to firmer footing.
1. Stop spinning your wheels. I don't know about you, but the more overwhelmed I feel, the more likely I am to rush around from task to task. Nothing gets all the way done. Nothing gets done well. Instead of feeling like I'm making progress, I just feel more overwhelmed. So, the first step is to just stop. I know that may feel paradoxical, but unless you can stop and get organized, you're likely to just make a bigger mess. Take a deep breath. Get outside. Move your body. Create a small space (physically and mentally), and use that as your launch point. (For more on creating space, see my post on Pausing.)
2. Let go of what is already gone. By the time you are having "one of those days," several things have already gone wrong. Most of those things are in the past, and you can't do anything about them. So, use your small space to acknowledge any feelings of frustration, hurt, anger, or anxiety. Then let them go. If you need to, it can be helpful to write down what you want to let go of, and then physically let go of the writing (tear it up, etc.). When you free your mind from focusing on what is already gone, there is space to assess your next move.
3. Identify what you can control. For me, one of the hardest parts of "those days," is the sense that my life has gotten totally out of control. Much of this feeling comes from our tendency to focus on those pieces of the picture that are out of our control. When you shift the focus to what is under your control, that gives you the opportunity to take some productive action. (A hat tip here to Susan Giurleo, who writes about "triaging" tasks). I think a list is helpful for this step as well. Write down as many things as you can that you can actually control (it doesn't matter how small these things are, just include them in the list). Then create a priority system, and begin completing the things that you can control.
4. Focus on something positive. The reason that there are so many books, articles, and online tools that encourage you to identify "what you are grateful for," is that a focus on the good things in your life does help to contribute to a sense of control. On "those days," focusing on what is good, no matter how small those things are, is a good adjunct to the exercise of identifying what you can control. A focus on gratitude also helps you break out of the feeling that "everything is falling apart," which often pops up when we feel overwhelmed.
5. Reach for support. When you're having "those days," it can be easy to isolate yourself. You may feel embarrassed by how out of control you feel, you may not want to "bother" friends or family. Isolation increases the sense that things are awful and will not get better, so one of your best tools to fight back is to share what you're experiencing. Make a phone call, connect online, set up a date to take a walk or get a coffee. If things feel too big to handle with friends and family, call a psychologist. The key is to remind yourself that you don't have to do this alone.
Repeat these steps as often as you need to start to push back against that feeling of being overwhelmed and alone.
Please share your own "traction tools" below, as well!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Mid-Week Balance -- 27 April 2011
Tweet
While this week's Mid-Week Balance is just as eclectic as last week's, I've chosen posts that all speak to the theme of regaining your voice. There are several different takes on this, and maybe some of the authors would be surprised to see their posts in that category, but that's how they scanned to me. I hope that you find something in this line-up that inspires you to free your own voice and let it sing out in the world.
First up, a post from Amy Jussel of the powerful media literacy blog Shaping Youth. This post is designed to help parents feel empowered to help their children cope with adult bullies, but I think that there are great resources for all of us to regain a sense of power when faced with dismissive, unkind, or hurtful behavior. As a bonus, she included at the end two YouTube clips. The first is of a beautiful, brave 8th grader named Alye, as she speaks out against her own bullies. The second is a song written in response to Alye's post. Taken together, these clips are a lovely example of how technology can connect and strengthen us. Here it is: "Tips for Handling a Real-Life 'Sue Sylvester from Glee'"
Pete Michaud says that, "My mission is to inspire people to think clearly, to live deliberately, to conquer fear and embrace possibility, to express beauty, and to love completely." In this short and powerful essay, he asks us to take a step back from the quest to fix ourselves and consider refocusing our energy on embracing our journey and focusing our growth. My favorite line from this essay is this: "But you and I are not really a series of shortcomings. We are perfect and complete." I hope you enjoy this challenging take on: "Positive Psychology"
Tara Sophia Mohr of the Wise Living blog did a guest post for me last month. This week, she shares a blog post that asks how and why so many of us, even if we had the advantages of growing up in loving, safe homes, experience painful and sometimes crippling self-doubt. The post contains some interesting links to research that might lead to more understanding of how we have lost our voices (and how we reclaim them): "What Happened?"
If you read this long enough, or follow my Twitter feed, you'll know that Medical Marzipan is one of the blogs that I regularly share, because I appreciate Mara's voice and perspective. This week, she had guest bloggers from the Beauty Redefined. The reason that I chose this post to include in my "voice" roundup is that I think that we frequently feel silenced and outvoted by the media that we are awash in. I appreciate the reminder that we do have some power. "How do we fight back? By recognizing we’re in a fight, first off. And we truly are." In this piece, we're reminded that our voices do have a place in coping with media, and that we have the right--and the responsibility--to share them: "The Unrealistic Nature of Media Images and Fighting Back"
Leo Babauta's Zen Habits blog is new to me (but not to the 200,000+ people who already follow him). You may be seeing his voice in Mid-Week Balance a lot, because his writing is a fit for my goals here. This post really grabbed me this week. At first blush, it might seem an odd choice for a "voice" line-up, but stay with me. The post explores handling criticism. Read it first and just soak it up. Then read it again and consider using the same technique with your own inner critic. Imagine what would shift if you respectfully considered whether the harsh voice of that inner critic was actually valid. Imagine the change possible if your inner critic was gracefully incorporated as a productive member of the chorus in your head. Just try it out for me: "The Art of Handling Criticism Gracefully"
I learned a lot this week, and found challenges in some new and unexpected places. Please feel free to use the comments to share your own thoughts on finding your voice--and to share other great voice resources.
While this week's Mid-Week Balance is just as eclectic as last week's, I've chosen posts that all speak to the theme of regaining your voice. There are several different takes on this, and maybe some of the authors would be surprised to see their posts in that category, but that's how they scanned to me. I hope that you find something in this line-up that inspires you to free your own voice and let it sing out in the world.
First up, a post from Amy Jussel of the powerful media literacy blog Shaping Youth. This post is designed to help parents feel empowered to help their children cope with adult bullies, but I think that there are great resources for all of us to regain a sense of power when faced with dismissive, unkind, or hurtful behavior. As a bonus, she included at the end two YouTube clips. The first is of a beautiful, brave 8th grader named Alye, as she speaks out against her own bullies. The second is a song written in response to Alye's post. Taken together, these clips are a lovely example of how technology can connect and strengthen us. Here it is: "Tips for Handling a Real-Life 'Sue Sylvester from Glee'"
Pete Michaud says that, "My mission is to inspire people to think clearly, to live deliberately, to conquer fear and embrace possibility, to express beauty, and to love completely." In this short and powerful essay, he asks us to take a step back from the quest to fix ourselves and consider refocusing our energy on embracing our journey and focusing our growth. My favorite line from this essay is this: "But you and I are not really a series of shortcomings. We are perfect and complete." I hope you enjoy this challenging take on: "Positive Psychology"
Tara Sophia Mohr of the Wise Living blog did a guest post for me last month. This week, she shares a blog post that asks how and why so many of us, even if we had the advantages of growing up in loving, safe homes, experience painful and sometimes crippling self-doubt. The post contains some interesting links to research that might lead to more understanding of how we have lost our voices (and how we reclaim them): "What Happened?"
If you read this long enough, or follow my Twitter feed, you'll know that Medical Marzipan is one of the blogs that I regularly share, because I appreciate Mara's voice and perspective. This week, she had guest bloggers from the Beauty Redefined. The reason that I chose this post to include in my "voice" roundup is that I think that we frequently feel silenced and outvoted by the media that we are awash in. I appreciate the reminder that we do have some power. "How do we fight back? By recognizing we’re in a fight, first off. And we truly are." In this piece, we're reminded that our voices do have a place in coping with media, and that we have the right--and the responsibility--to share them: "The Unrealistic Nature of Media Images and Fighting Back"
Leo Babauta's Zen Habits blog is new to me (but not to the 200,000+ people who already follow him). You may be seeing his voice in Mid-Week Balance a lot, because his writing is a fit for my goals here. This post really grabbed me this week. At first blush, it might seem an odd choice for a "voice" line-up, but stay with me. The post explores handling criticism. Read it first and just soak it up. Then read it again and consider using the same technique with your own inner critic. Imagine what would shift if you respectfully considered whether the harsh voice of that inner critic was actually valid. Imagine the change possible if your inner critic was gracefully incorporated as a productive member of the chorus in your head. Just try it out for me: "The Art of Handling Criticism Gracefully"
I learned a lot this week, and found challenges in some new and unexpected places. Please feel free to use the comments to share your own thoughts on finding your voice--and to share other great voice resources.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Change--Loving AND Hating It
Tweet
Last October, Ashley of Nourishing the Soul kicked off an empowering blog series – Self Discovery Word by Word. The series was created to encourage the blogging community to focus on one word a month in an effort to engage in self-discovery and self-reflection. This month, Mara of Medical Marzipan is hosting the Word by Word series, and she has chosen the word "CHANGE" as the focus of April's posts. I have not participated in Word by Word before, but I already had a post kicking around in my head on change. So, I took the notification that change was the world of the month as a sign that this week was the time to make it happen. Enjoy!
*************************************************************************************
I feel like I have been inundated with change recently. On the one hand, I'm thrilled with the natural changes as spring kicks off here in the mid-west (think daffodils, tulips, lilacs, flowering trees--the works). And on the other hand, I'm noticing some strong resistance to interpersonal change (one of my office mates is moving on, which sets off a domino effect of new things). I'm fascinated by how different my reactions are. The transition from winter to spring creates a visceral reaction for me--I can almost feel the excitement fizzing through my veins as I breathe in the smell of growing things. But the idea of change in the office has a visceral effect as well--I can definitely feel my stomach tightening as I think about interviewing new office mates, re-negotiating leases, etc.
I'm pretty sure that I am not alone in my ambivalent reaction to change. In fact, in the past week, while I have heard people rejoicing about warmer weather and the wash of spring color, I have also heard at least three people say directly, "I hate change."
As I think about my own response to the office changes, as well as the statements about "hating change," I recognize that many of us experience discomfort when we're faced with change. I know that I do. I also know that change is part of growth, and even if it is frightening or challenging, I know that I would rather grow than remain stagnant.
I believe that, for most of us, the initial resistance that we have to change is a reflection of our own fear about the unknown. We don't have any certain way of knowing what the result of a change will be, so we convince ourselves that we would rather stay as we are (even if that is in a state of pain) than risk the unknown realities of change.
One of the things that I appreciate so much about the process of therapy is that, instead of resisting change, I get to invite change, and embrace it. In fact, whether my clients would describe it this way or not, therapy is an effort to seek out change in a healthy way--to have the same joyful reaction to change in our personal lives as we do to that first crocus poking its colorful head out after a cold winter.
So, what changes have you been avoiding that might open you up to new growth? If you like, please share your favorite "change survival strategy" in the comments.
Last October, Ashley of Nourishing the Soul kicked off an empowering blog series – Self Discovery Word by Word. The series was created to encourage the blogging community to focus on one word a month in an effort to engage in self-discovery and self-reflection. This month, Mara of Medical Marzipan is hosting the Word by Word series, and she has chosen the word "CHANGE" as the focus of April's posts. I have not participated in Word by Word before, but I already had a post kicking around in my head on change. So, I took the notification that change was the world of the month as a sign that this week was the time to make it happen. Enjoy!
*************************************************************************************
I feel like I have been inundated with change recently. On the one hand, I'm thrilled with the natural changes as spring kicks off here in the mid-west (think daffodils, tulips, lilacs, flowering trees--the works). And on the other hand, I'm noticing some strong resistance to interpersonal change (one of my office mates is moving on, which sets off a domino effect of new things). I'm fascinated by how different my reactions are. The transition from winter to spring creates a visceral reaction for me--I can almost feel the excitement fizzing through my veins as I breathe in the smell of growing things. But the idea of change in the office has a visceral effect as well--I can definitely feel my stomach tightening as I think about interviewing new office mates, re-negotiating leases, etc.
I'm pretty sure that I am not alone in my ambivalent reaction to change. In fact, in the past week, while I have heard people rejoicing about warmer weather and the wash of spring color, I have also heard at least three people say directly, "I hate change."
As I think about my own response to the office changes, as well as the statements about "hating change," I recognize that many of us experience discomfort when we're faced with change. I know that I do. I also know that change is part of growth, and even if it is frightening or challenging, I know that I would rather grow than remain stagnant.
I believe that, for most of us, the initial resistance that we have to change is a reflection of our own fear about the unknown. We don't have any certain way of knowing what the result of a change will be, so we convince ourselves that we would rather stay as we are (even if that is in a state of pain) than risk the unknown realities of change.
One of the things that I appreciate so much about the process of therapy is that, instead of resisting change, I get to invite change, and embrace it. In fact, whether my clients would describe it this way or not, therapy is an effort to seek out change in a healthy way--to have the same joyful reaction to change in our personal lives as we do to that first crocus poking its colorful head out after a cold winter.
So, what changes have you been avoiding that might open you up to new growth? If you like, please share your favorite "change survival strategy" in the comments.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Mid-Week Balance--20 April 2011
Tweet
This week's Mid-Week Balance roundup is pretty eclectic. I hope that means that no matter where you may be today, you find something that speaks to you.
From Glynis Sherwood's Recovery Matters blog, here is part of her "Myths of Grief Recovery" series. I've appreciated each of the posts in the series so far, but I particularly like how this "cautionary tale" highlights the challenge of providing permission for our feelings: "Don't Feel Bad"
Leigh Cousins writes Always Learning as a support for parents, but I when I read her post this week, I found myself thinking that all of us could use the reminder to take a step back from our frustrations and try to put them in perspective: "Some Perspective for Struggling Parents"
Jonathan Fields writes a blog that is an invitation to deeper thinking about entrepreneurship and professional communities. This post about "lucky people" struck a chord with me because it challenges our assumptions about ourselves and our power in our own lives: "What Lucky People Do Differently"
In her blog, Curvy Yoga, Anna Guest-Jolly became a favorite of mine by combining her knowledge of yoga with some powerful body-positive attitudes. This is a guest post from Shaunta Grimes, celebrating the power of yoga for young girls as an antidote to the negative body climate we're surrounded by: "Yoga as an Early Path to Body Acceptance"
At Body Aware Grieving, Margo Rose invites readers to consider the physical health component of their grief process. I really appreciated this practical overview on how to be proactive about creating a list of healthy self-care rewards: "Healthy Pleasures: Rewards to Reach For!"
That's the roundup for this week. Please feel free to share the helpful, intriguing, challenging gems that you find!
This week's Mid-Week Balance roundup is pretty eclectic. I hope that means that no matter where you may be today, you find something that speaks to you.
From Glynis Sherwood's Recovery Matters blog, here is part of her "Myths of Grief Recovery" series. I've appreciated each of the posts in the series so far, but I particularly like how this "cautionary tale" highlights the challenge of providing permission for our feelings: "Don't Feel Bad"
Leigh Cousins writes Always Learning as a support for parents, but I when I read her post this week, I found myself thinking that all of us could use the reminder to take a step back from our frustrations and try to put them in perspective: "Some Perspective for Struggling Parents"
Jonathan Fields writes a blog that is an invitation to deeper thinking about entrepreneurship and professional communities. This post about "lucky people" struck a chord with me because it challenges our assumptions about ourselves and our power in our own lives: "What Lucky People Do Differently"
In her blog, Curvy Yoga, Anna Guest-Jolly became a favorite of mine by combining her knowledge of yoga with some powerful body-positive attitudes. This is a guest post from Shaunta Grimes, celebrating the power of yoga for young girls as an antidote to the negative body climate we're surrounded by: "Yoga as an Early Path to Body Acceptance"
At Body Aware Grieving, Margo Rose invites readers to consider the physical health component of their grief process. I really appreciated this practical overview on how to be proactive about creating a list of healthy self-care rewards: "Healthy Pleasures: Rewards to Reach For!"
That's the roundup for this week. Please feel free to share the helpful, intriguing, challenging gems that you find!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Five Steps to More Compassionate Listening
Tweet
I'm feeling so grateful to my growing Twitter community these days--they are a font of inspiration. After reading my posts on "When 'Helpful' Isn't," @janaejl1 suggested a "how-to" list for good listening. I loved that idea, so here is my stab at it!
First, let me explore my hypothesis on why we need a "how-to" list to begin with. I think that, as a culture, we get a "D" for our listening skills. I believe that this is particularly true when someone is discussing a painful subject. While there are many complicated reasons that people may not listen well, I think that all of the reasons tend to fall within two umbrellas:
1. Being overwhelmed. Sometimes a failure to listen reflects the tremendous pressure placed on us and on our time by our "try-to-do-it-all" lives. If your brain is on whether or not you turned on the crock-pot, filed that report properly AND paid the mortgage--you might not tune in enough to listen well. If you're struggling with your own stress or loss, you may not have the emotional energy to extend to someone else in pain. Most of us are coping with some degree of feeling overwhelmed.
2. Being too emotionally close. If you care about someone (a family member, friend, partner, etc), it can be intensely difficult to watch them feel pain. For most of us, our reflex reaction to a loved one in pain is to try to alleviate the pain. Unfortunately, this may not include creating space to allow the feeling.
These two umbrellas of listening interference are universal. Sometimes all of us are too overwhelmed to listen well. Sometimes we are simply too close to make space to hear someone's pain. These realities are part of why we need therapy as a support option. However, even if you are overwhelmed or emotionally close, there are still some basic steps you can take to be a more compassionate, engaged listener.
1. Listen. This may seem like a tongue-in-cheek point, but I'm very serious about it. Try an experiment for me. The next time you're in a group, just hang back and try to follow the conversations around you. How often do you see someone who is able to fully describe their feelings or experiences without being interrupted? My guess is: not often. Most of the time, in an effort to convey support, we jump in--with an interpretation, a comparison, or a consolation. While the intent may be be good, the result is that we don't actually make space to listen to one another. Try to make enough space for someone to fully express themselves.
2. Don't project. I think that this is a common mistake that we've all made. In an effort to show that we "get it," we compare our own experiences to the person we're listening to. We look for ways to show them that we understand because we've had a similar experience. The problem with this is that we often make this leap without actually hearing the person's experience (back to step one). As a result, instead of feeling heard, they feel shut down and invalidated.
3. Validate. I know, this is kind of psychologist jargon. Let me explain what I mean. When we validate someone, we respect that they are having a unique personal experience. We respect that they (not us) are the expert on their experience. We respect that their experience may be different in duration or frequency than our similar experience. Basically, we show, through our words and actions that it is acceptable for them to have any feelings that they are having--they don't need to "clean them up" or "make them socially acceptable."
4. Demonstrate compassion. I think that this step trips some people up. When we are faced with someone in huge pain, our words feel inadequate. That's because, often, words ARE inadequate. So, instead of trying to find the "right" words, a clear, simple expression of compassion is the most useful. That can be, "I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad today." Or it could be, "It makes sense that you feel so overwhelmed by this." (And now, some readers are saying, "But I want to HELP!" Hang in there--step five is coming.)
5. Ask what is needed. One of the classic blunders that I see in listening/supporting is that we often make assumptions about what the person in pain needs. The problem with these assumptions is that we're often pretty far off base. Because of this, I am a huge fan of asking directly, "What do you need right now?" Sometimes I ask the question with a multiple choice format, "Do you need to just vent, or do you need me to distract you, or do you need a hug?" The simple act of asking what is needed reminds both you and the person you're listening to that THEY know their needs best.
I hope this overview begins to open some discussions on how we can all listen to one another in a more supportive way. I'd love to hear more from you. What would you add to the list? Any listening "dos & don'ts"?
I'm feeling so grateful to my growing Twitter community these days--they are a font of inspiration. After reading my posts on "When 'Helpful' Isn't," @janaejl1 suggested a "how-to" list for good listening. I loved that idea, so here is my stab at it!
First, let me explore my hypothesis on why we need a "how-to" list to begin with. I think that, as a culture, we get a "D" for our listening skills. I believe that this is particularly true when someone is discussing a painful subject. While there are many complicated reasons that people may not listen well, I think that all of the reasons tend to fall within two umbrellas:
1. Being overwhelmed. Sometimes a failure to listen reflects the tremendous pressure placed on us and on our time by our "try-to-do-it-all" lives. If your brain is on whether or not you turned on the crock-pot, filed that report properly AND paid the mortgage--you might not tune in enough to listen well. If you're struggling with your own stress or loss, you may not have the emotional energy to extend to someone else in pain. Most of us are coping with some degree of feeling overwhelmed.
2. Being too emotionally close. If you care about someone (a family member, friend, partner, etc), it can be intensely difficult to watch them feel pain. For most of us, our reflex reaction to a loved one in pain is to try to alleviate the pain. Unfortunately, this may not include creating space to allow the feeling.
These two umbrellas of listening interference are universal. Sometimes all of us are too overwhelmed to listen well. Sometimes we are simply too close to make space to hear someone's pain. These realities are part of why we need therapy as a support option. However, even if you are overwhelmed or emotionally close, there are still some basic steps you can take to be a more compassionate, engaged listener.
1. Listen. This may seem like a tongue-in-cheek point, but I'm very serious about it. Try an experiment for me. The next time you're in a group, just hang back and try to follow the conversations around you. How often do you see someone who is able to fully describe their feelings or experiences without being interrupted? My guess is: not often. Most of the time, in an effort to convey support, we jump in--with an interpretation, a comparison, or a consolation. While the intent may be be good, the result is that we don't actually make space to listen to one another. Try to make enough space for someone to fully express themselves.
2. Don't project. I think that this is a common mistake that we've all made. In an effort to show that we "get it," we compare our own experiences to the person we're listening to. We look for ways to show them that we understand because we've had a similar experience. The problem with this is that we often make this leap without actually hearing the person's experience (back to step one). As a result, instead of feeling heard, they feel shut down and invalidated.
3. Validate. I know, this is kind of psychologist jargon. Let me explain what I mean. When we validate someone, we respect that they are having a unique personal experience. We respect that they (not us) are the expert on their experience. We respect that their experience may be different in duration or frequency than our similar experience. Basically, we show, through our words and actions that it is acceptable for them to have any feelings that they are having--they don't need to "clean them up" or "make them socially acceptable."
4. Demonstrate compassion. I think that this step trips some people up. When we are faced with someone in huge pain, our words feel inadequate. That's because, often, words ARE inadequate. So, instead of trying to find the "right" words, a clear, simple expression of compassion is the most useful. That can be, "I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad today." Or it could be, "It makes sense that you feel so overwhelmed by this." (And now, some readers are saying, "But I want to HELP!" Hang in there--step five is coming.)
5. Ask what is needed. One of the classic blunders that I see in listening/supporting is that we often make assumptions about what the person in pain needs. The problem with these assumptions is that we're often pretty far off base. Because of this, I am a huge fan of asking directly, "What do you need right now?" Sometimes I ask the question with a multiple choice format, "Do you need to just vent, or do you need me to distract you, or do you need a hug?" The simple act of asking what is needed reminds both you and the person you're listening to that THEY know their needs best.
I hope this overview begins to open some discussions on how we can all listen to one another in a more supportive way. I'd love to hear more from you. What would you add to the list? Any listening "dos & don'ts"?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Mid-Week Balance
Tweet
Inspired by fantastic examples of at Nourishing the Soul and Medical Marzipan, I'm going to add a new section to the blog. On Wednesdays, I'm going to be offering up my favorite posts of the past week. I hope you enjoy the cross-section of amazing thinking that's out there!
"I Just Want to Be Sad, Okay?"--It seems appropriate that one of Ashley's thought-provoking articles from Nourishing the Soul makes my first list. She provides a challenging invitation reconsider the cultural imperative to try to be "always happy."
"Give Your Body a Vacation"--Mara from Medical Marzipan asks the question: what would a vacation for your body look like? Read the article--I'd love to know what your body vacation looks like.
"Am I Desensitized by Body Image News?"--Kendra at Voice in Recovery is routinely a powerful advocate of self-care and health. In this week's post, she asks us to think about how we may contribute to the barrage of negative body image messages by our own self-talk.
"Don't Live in Default Mode"--At Living the Balanced Life, Bernice Wood invites us to assess whether we're stuck in unproductive patterns.
"Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Negative Body Image"--At The Body and the Brood, Dana provides a thoughtful remedy for the negativity that Kendra challenged in her post.
I hope that this roundup of thoughts from talented, inspiring women helps your Wednesday feel like the launch-pad for a strong finish to the week.
Inspired by fantastic examples of at Nourishing the Soul and Medical Marzipan, I'm going to add a new section to the blog. On Wednesdays, I'm going to be offering up my favorite posts of the past week. I hope you enjoy the cross-section of amazing thinking that's out there!
"I Just Want to Be Sad, Okay?"--It seems appropriate that one of Ashley's thought-provoking articles from Nourishing the Soul makes my first list. She provides a challenging invitation reconsider the cultural imperative to try to be "always happy."
"Give Your Body a Vacation"--Mara from Medical Marzipan asks the question: what would a vacation for your body look like? Read the article--I'd love to know what your body vacation looks like.
"Am I Desensitized by Body Image News?"--Kendra at Voice in Recovery is routinely a powerful advocate of self-care and health. In this week's post, she asks us to think about how we may contribute to the barrage of negative body image messages by our own self-talk.
"Don't Live in Default Mode"--At Living the Balanced Life, Bernice Wood invites us to assess whether we're stuck in unproductive patterns.
"Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Negative Body Image"--At The Body and the Brood, Dana provides a thoughtful remedy for the negativity that Kendra challenged in her post.
I hope that this roundup of thoughts from talented, inspiring women helps your Wednesday feel like the launch-pad for a strong finish to the week.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Beautiful You--Guest Post by Rosie Molinary (and GIVEAWAY!!)
Tweet
Back in December 2010, I read an article by Susan Giurleo, Ph.D., about why mental health providers needed to be engaged in social media, including Twitter. I'll admit that I was skeptical at first. I thought Twitter was a frivolous social toy. But I promised myself to spend a month giving it an honest try. And I'm so glad that I did, because Twitter has connected me with folks who inspire posts, point me toward great writing and research, and sometimes, lend their voices here.
Today's guest post is from another Twitter connection: author and activist Rosie Molinary. Rosie is one of the people whose voices inspire me, and I am so excited that she offered to speak with you here. Her first book, Hijas Americanas explores the unique challenges faced by Latina women in body image and self-esteem. Rosie is a powerful voice for Latina youth. She is the founder of Circle de Luz, which "radically empowers young Latinas by supporting and inspiring them in the pursuit of their possibilities through extensive mentoring, programming, and scholarship funds for further education."
Rosie's new book Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance, is an invitation to invest a year in your relationship with yourself. With short daily readings, Rosie presents a variety of reflections, actions, and exercises designed to re-invent our self-awareness and self-acceptance. I have a copy of Beautiful You right now, and I'm going to give it away next week. More details about that after we hear what Rosie had to say in response to some questions I asked.
***********************************************************************************
**What pieces of wisdom do you find yourself sharing most often?
Two things: no one cares as much as you do and it’s not about you.
First, no one cares as much as you do: I might think that my outfit is not right, my hair’s not right, etc., but very rarely - wherever I am going- is anyone going to be as consumed with how I look as I am. You know what they are going to notice? How I make them feel. And while I may not have control over a bad hair day or whether or not I can afford a new outfit, I always have control over how I make someone else feel. And you know what? What always touches me after I leave an event, experience, meeting, play date is the conversations I’ve had, the connections that were made, the hope that was offered.
That said, what about the person who does comment on your physicality? This is where the second piece of advice comes in. When someone criticizes our physicality that comment is a mirror into what is going on with that person. The person who criticizes your weight has a weight back story. The person who says something about your hair is consumed with hair in her own life. It is never about you. That said, we teach people how to treat us and that starts by setting boundaries. So think about the comments you sometimes hear from people in your life and what you’d like to say back. It doesn’t have to be rude- it can be as simple as “I am okay with my body” when someone comments about your weight or “this isn’t a productive conversation for us to have” And practice what you’ve come up with so that you are prepared to use it when the time comes to establish that boundary.
**What question do you wish people would ask you, but gets missed?
Why do I think this work matters so much? A lot of times people think body image work is really selfish and small-minded and is about the self-esteem movement going entirely too far, but it’s not. It’s absolutely not. How the woman down the street feels about herself can actually impact many of us in significant ways. Just think: what if that woman is a school teacher and she feels defeated. If she can’t call out her best self, it’s hard for her to champion someone else’s best self. That someone else might be your child or grandchild. Suddenly, you want what’s best for her, right? Suddenly, you want her to no longer be paralyzed, right?
We each have a purpose that is uniquely ours. If we are consumed by our bodies, then we are taking valuable time away from the work we are meant to be doing and the gifts we are meant to be giving to this world, from our mission. If, however, we are in the mirror, assessing, obsessing, critiquing, despairing, we are not doing the work of our lives. What are you not doing while looking in the mirror, lamenting your fate? When we get sidetracked, we are taking away from the time we can invest in our purpose and passion.
In Beautiful You, what I wanted to do was to take so much of the theory we know to be true about how to fall in love with yourself, generate self-acceptance, and offer yourself care and give women actionable steps that get them there so that they can get out of their own ways and do the work they were meant to do in this world.
Each step is doable in a day, isn’t too overwhelming, and really motivates the reader to build on her process. The assignments really vary from journaling type of assignments where you look at beliefs you have about yourself, joys you have experienced or challenges to actionable steps like working on maintaining eye contact with others, watching what you say or think about yourself, or writing a loved one a letter to let them know how you feel.
**What concrete step would you encourage readers to take to better affirm themselves and those around them?
Start right now by making a list of things that your body has given you, joys it has granted you. Your body- this body that you are moving in right now- has given you so much. Acknowledge those things.
For the next week, think of three great things your body offered you in your day. The sensation of a hug from your child, a kiss from your partner, the exhilaration of a post run high, the satisfaction of moving through a space and getting it cleaned or organize, the sight of a startling sunset. By doing this, you realize how much more meaning your body has outside of being something to look at, how much more it offers.
Also, become really disciplined about what you say-even in your mind-about your body. Would you say those things to a child? Then don’t say them to yourself. When you find yourself criticizing, notice it and consider what led you to go there, and then reframe your words. When your friends criticize themselves, correct them and reframe those conversations.
Finally, become immersed in something that makes you feel your entire worth. Do something that allows you to give your gifts to the world in a way that elicits your passion. By seeing what you have to tangibly offer, you build the best kind of esteem.
**What is your favorite way to celebrate yourself?
My two favorite indulgences—which feel like celebrations-are getting a massage and reading. Those two things do so much to fill up my well. And, actually, both things really are so good for well-being in general that they are featured as exercises in Beautiful You.
**What has been the most powerful influence in your life so far?
Being in community. From a young age, perhaps from both being an Army brat and in an immigrant family that left our home country and, thus, lost the proximity of family, I understood that building and engaging in community was really significant to personal and societal well-being. To this day, being engaged with others, meaningfully engaged, has continued to be really important to me and a defining trait of how I want to be in the world. But to be in community effectively, to be able to emotionally connect to others, I have to be at my most authentic which requires me to be at my most emotionally healthy-which is not to say that I am insulated from pain or disappointment or suffering. I am certainly not. I just try not to pile on to my suffering by refusing to engage and grow.
And wanting to help people understand that they have something to offer the world means that I need to be able to help them access what it is they have to offer, what’s in the way of their offering it, and how they can authentically live out their passion.
**What was the driving force behind creating Circle de Luz? How did you find the resources to turn those movements into action instead of ideas?
My first career was as a high school teacher, and I am particularly sensitive to the difference that an education can make in the life of a girl, especially an immigrant girl who comes from a country whose norms for girls are not the same as they are here in the United States.
After writing Hijas Americanas, I felt an incredible sense of responsibility for the reality that Latina girls faced as they approached their futures (http://circledeluz.org/about/). I started thinking about what the best practices were to address these issues from the experiences I had as an educator and community service director for a liberal arts college. I also knew that other women would have ideas and feel invested in this endeavor, and so I invited women to focus groups to conceptualize a program that could radically empower young Latinas to pursue their possibilities. We came up with a six year program that blends extensive mentoring with holistic programming and offers the girls a scholarship for further education when they graduate from high school. The most important resources in this endeavor are the women who make Circle de Luz a reality. We are completely volunteer-run and every board member has a distinct job that she does to keep the organization running smoothly. It’s an amazing testament to mission and dedication.
That said, we’re always evaluating and adjusting. We’re not so sold on our first ideas that we’re incapable of enhancing what we do. As a group, we’re really creative and receptive, and we are so committed to these girls. I’m humbled by the women who make Circle de Luz happen and the girls in our program who are such an inspiration.
***********************************************************************************
I hope that you enjoyed this peek into Rosie Molinary's mind! Are you ready for more? This is my first giveaway, so bear with me as we work out the mechanics. To win your very own copy of Beautiful You, you need to leave a comment on this post. I'll leave the contest open until 9 pm CST next Wednesday (April 13th). At that time, the winner will be randomly selected. Any questions? Let me know!
^^All book links within this post are affiliate links.^^
Back in December 2010, I read an article by Susan Giurleo, Ph.D., about why mental health providers needed to be engaged in social media, including Twitter. I'll admit that I was skeptical at first. I thought Twitter was a frivolous social toy. But I promised myself to spend a month giving it an honest try. And I'm so glad that I did, because Twitter has connected me with folks who inspire posts, point me toward great writing and research, and sometimes, lend their voices here.
Today's guest post is from another Twitter connection: author and activist Rosie Molinary. Rosie is one of the people whose voices inspire me, and I am so excited that she offered to speak with you here. Her first book, Hijas Americanas explores the unique challenges faced by Latina women in body image and self-esteem. Rosie is a powerful voice for Latina youth. She is the founder of Circle de Luz, which "radically empowers young Latinas by supporting and inspiring them in the pursuit of their possibilities through extensive mentoring, programming, and scholarship funds for further education."
Rosie's new book Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance, is an invitation to invest a year in your relationship with yourself. With short daily readings, Rosie presents a variety of reflections, actions, and exercises designed to re-invent our self-awareness and self-acceptance. I have a copy of Beautiful You right now, and I'm going to give it away next week. More details about that after we hear what Rosie had to say in response to some questions I asked.
***********************************************************************************
**What pieces of wisdom do you find yourself sharing most often?
Two things: no one cares as much as you do and it’s not about you.
First, no one cares as much as you do: I might think that my outfit is not right, my hair’s not right, etc., but very rarely - wherever I am going- is anyone going to be as consumed with how I look as I am. You know what they are going to notice? How I make them feel. And while I may not have control over a bad hair day or whether or not I can afford a new outfit, I always have control over how I make someone else feel. And you know what? What always touches me after I leave an event, experience, meeting, play date is the conversations I’ve had, the connections that were made, the hope that was offered.
That said, what about the person who does comment on your physicality? This is where the second piece of advice comes in. When someone criticizes our physicality that comment is a mirror into what is going on with that person. The person who criticizes your weight has a weight back story. The person who says something about your hair is consumed with hair in her own life. It is never about you. That said, we teach people how to treat us and that starts by setting boundaries. So think about the comments you sometimes hear from people in your life and what you’d like to say back. It doesn’t have to be rude- it can be as simple as “I am okay with my body” when someone comments about your weight or “this isn’t a productive conversation for us to have” And practice what you’ve come up with so that you are prepared to use it when the time comes to establish that boundary.
**What question do you wish people would ask you, but gets missed?
Why do I think this work matters so much? A lot of times people think body image work is really selfish and small-minded and is about the self-esteem movement going entirely too far, but it’s not. It’s absolutely not. How the woman down the street feels about herself can actually impact many of us in significant ways. Just think: what if that woman is a school teacher and she feels defeated. If she can’t call out her best self, it’s hard for her to champion someone else’s best self. That someone else might be your child or grandchild. Suddenly, you want what’s best for her, right? Suddenly, you want her to no longer be paralyzed, right?
We each have a purpose that is uniquely ours. If we are consumed by our bodies, then we are taking valuable time away from the work we are meant to be doing and the gifts we are meant to be giving to this world, from our mission. If, however, we are in the mirror, assessing, obsessing, critiquing, despairing, we are not doing the work of our lives. What are you not doing while looking in the mirror, lamenting your fate? When we get sidetracked, we are taking away from the time we can invest in our purpose and passion.
In Beautiful You, what I wanted to do was to take so much of the theory we know to be true about how to fall in love with yourself, generate self-acceptance, and offer yourself care and give women actionable steps that get them there so that they can get out of their own ways and do the work they were meant to do in this world.
Each step is doable in a day, isn’t too overwhelming, and really motivates the reader to build on her process. The assignments really vary from journaling type of assignments where you look at beliefs you have about yourself, joys you have experienced or challenges to actionable steps like working on maintaining eye contact with others, watching what you say or think about yourself, or writing a loved one a letter to let them know how you feel.
**What concrete step would you encourage readers to take to better affirm themselves and those around them?
Start right now by making a list of things that your body has given you, joys it has granted you. Your body- this body that you are moving in right now- has given you so much. Acknowledge those things.
For the next week, think of three great things your body offered you in your day. The sensation of a hug from your child, a kiss from your partner, the exhilaration of a post run high, the satisfaction of moving through a space and getting it cleaned or organize, the sight of a startling sunset. By doing this, you realize how much more meaning your body has outside of being something to look at, how much more it offers.
Also, become really disciplined about what you say-even in your mind-about your body. Would you say those things to a child? Then don’t say them to yourself. When you find yourself criticizing, notice it and consider what led you to go there, and then reframe your words. When your friends criticize themselves, correct them and reframe those conversations.
Finally, become immersed in something that makes you feel your entire worth. Do something that allows you to give your gifts to the world in a way that elicits your passion. By seeing what you have to tangibly offer, you build the best kind of esteem.
**What is your favorite way to celebrate yourself?
My two favorite indulgences—which feel like celebrations-are getting a massage and reading. Those two things do so much to fill up my well. And, actually, both things really are so good for well-being in general that they are featured as exercises in Beautiful You.
**What has been the most powerful influence in your life so far?
Being in community. From a young age, perhaps from both being an Army brat and in an immigrant family that left our home country and, thus, lost the proximity of family, I understood that building and engaging in community was really significant to personal and societal well-being. To this day, being engaged with others, meaningfully engaged, has continued to be really important to me and a defining trait of how I want to be in the world. But to be in community effectively, to be able to emotionally connect to others, I have to be at my most authentic which requires me to be at my most emotionally healthy-which is not to say that I am insulated from pain or disappointment or suffering. I am certainly not. I just try not to pile on to my suffering by refusing to engage and grow.
And wanting to help people understand that they have something to offer the world means that I need to be able to help them access what it is they have to offer, what’s in the way of their offering it, and how they can authentically live out their passion.
**What was the driving force behind creating Circle de Luz? How did you find the resources to turn those movements into action instead of ideas?
My first career was as a high school teacher, and I am particularly sensitive to the difference that an education can make in the life of a girl, especially an immigrant girl who comes from a country whose norms for girls are not the same as they are here in the United States.
After writing Hijas Americanas, I felt an incredible sense of responsibility for the reality that Latina girls faced as they approached their futures (http://circledeluz.org/about/). I started thinking about what the best practices were to address these issues from the experiences I had as an educator and community service director for a liberal arts college. I also knew that other women would have ideas and feel invested in this endeavor, and so I invited women to focus groups to conceptualize a program that could radically empower young Latinas to pursue their possibilities. We came up with a six year program that blends extensive mentoring with holistic programming and offers the girls a scholarship for further education when they graduate from high school. The most important resources in this endeavor are the women who make Circle de Luz a reality. We are completely volunteer-run and every board member has a distinct job that she does to keep the organization running smoothly. It’s an amazing testament to mission and dedication.
That said, we’re always evaluating and adjusting. We’re not so sold on our first ideas that we’re incapable of enhancing what we do. As a group, we’re really creative and receptive, and we are so committed to these girls. I’m humbled by the women who make Circle de Luz happen and the girls in our program who are such an inspiration.
***********************************************************************************
I hope that you enjoyed this peek into Rosie Molinary's mind! Are you ready for more? This is my first giveaway, so bear with me as we work out the mechanics. To win your very own copy of Beautiful You, you need to leave a comment on this post. I'll leave the contest open until 9 pm CST next Wednesday (April 13th). At that time, the winner will be randomly selected. Any questions? Let me know!
^^All book links within this post are affiliate links.^^
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)